A Blogging Handoff

Today got away from me.  Too many appointments, meetings and work commitments.  One too many naps in the sun.  Not nearly enough meals.

So tonight, instead of cranking out some drivel to fill this space, I'm going to direct my Put it to Bed readers to this excellent post on the subject of procrastination, "Why Procrastination Is Good for You: 5 Ways to Make it Work", by Lisa Earl McLeod.

And here's why.  Because:

• It's way better than anything I'm going to write tonight.  Trust me.
• It takes a position pretty much the opposite of what the experts tell us to do about procrastination, which appeals to my inner Che.
• I find myself knee-deep in great posts to read, and bowing out on this occasion will make more reading time available for an existing post that deserves attention.  (If my seven regular readers all follow this bread crumb to the post in question.)
• Of some other reasons I'm too tired to articulate adequately.

Thank you Lisa Earl McLeod, for providing this fortunate "out" for a played out blogger.

Done for the Week: Against the Wind

I turned another year older last week.

Time rushes by, and fans me, my good intentions, and my big dreams as it passes.

Here's what I got done against the wind:

Done for the Week:  Oct. 3-Oct. 9, 2011

1. Continued 5K training with my youngest son, in preparation for his first race--Finished Week 6 of 9 Week program
2. Ran once; swam once; biked once
3. Read Away, by Amy Bloom
4. Continued to work my two part-time jobs 
5. Published 2 blog posts
6. Continued significant work on current clients' projects
7. Held third tutoring session with clients
8. Registered for upcoming Fall Classic 5K with my son
9. Attended first week of four week Run Better class with triathlon coach Lauren Jensen
10. Had informal consultation with guest orthopedic physical therapist concerning persistent knee injury
11. Participated in 12 mi. Breast Cancer Awareness Ride
12. Continued to give substantial support to my pregnant daughter and her family
13. Found my lost cell phone
    
14. Did laundry
15. Fixed my husband's bird bath with my grandson's help
16. Began clean-up of our ravine with both sons and my grandson
17. Celebrated my birthday
18. Held joint family party for my birthday and my daughter's birthday
19. Took my dog to the dog park twice, once with my husband, once with my son and grandson
20. Watched episodes of Eureka with my oldest son
21. Took our Isuzu Oasis in to investigate deafening exhaust system noise
22. Continued reading Elizabeth George's A Traitor to Memory aloud with my husband
23. Continued raising money for New Orleans Area Habitat for Humanity on my Facebook Birthday Wish--exceeded my goal of $250
24. Attended Communications Team meeting
    

The "most important thing" I did last week, again, was supporting my daughter and her family in her high-risk pregnancy.  A seemingly endless round of medical appointments, a last stressful week before leaving her job on an early, extended maternity leave, and increasing fatigue left my daughter in need of many more hours of relief child care than we had scheduled for.  This week promises to be a bit easier for all of us, with fewer appointments and the absence of work pressures.  But as her health is expected to worsen as the pregnancy progresses, we are just trying to take it one day at a time.  Her needs will remain a priority for the weeks to come.



Last week's focus goal, for the third week running, was to "meditate at least three times."  My grade?   F!  Not even F+.  I ended each day in a near stupor, with just enough energy to close my eyes before losing consciousness.  Not enough oomph left for sitting and breathing, or the effort of thinking of nothing.  

I have several hypotheses about my current state of exhaustion.  The most likely explanation has to do with an increasingly crazy and precipitously changing schedule, which has left no time for self-care, including meditation.  I am running on an energy deficit, clearly not a situation that can go on beyond the short term. 

So next week's focus goal?  Make some time for resting and taking care of myself and my home, and staying loose about how that will get done; meditating if I can manage it, sleeping as needed, a hot cup of tea and a good book in my swing in the yard. . . .

Done for the Week: Time to Power Up

Over the year and a half that I have been writing this blog, I have reported several colds, viruses and injuries that have served to interrupt my productivity on various fronts.  Last week I was visited by yet another bug.  One that has felled several friends and family members, and apparently borders on the interminable.  

Was I always so frequently plagued with minor physical difficulties?  Is this just some of that rain that, "into each life . . . must fall," according to Ella Fitzgerald and the Inkspots?  

Should I be 

• eating better?  (Yup.)  
• worried that I've contracted some immune-system compromising condition/illness?  (Probably not.)
• sucking it up a bit more?  (Yeah.  I admit it.) 

Despite my virus-caused general malaise this past week, I got a fair amount done.  And undone.

Done for the Week:  June 27-July 3, 2011

1. Completed Week 8 of 15-week triathlon training program, modified to accommodate virus I caught; ran once; swam twice;
2. Swam twice, ran once with my training partner 
3. Registered for Danskin Triathlon
4. Registered for Open Water Swim clinic
5. Made hotel reservation for tri weekend
6. Finished The Film Club: A Memoir, by David Gilmour; Thursdays at Eight, by Debbie Macomber
7. Continued to work my two part-time jobs 
8. Spent some couch time suffering from a virus being passed through my family
9. Welcomed my grandson back from his vacation
10. Resigned from Search Committee
11. Blew off a couple more meetings
12. Resigned as volunteer backup secretary for nonprofit organization
13. Saw my therapist
14. Published 3 blog posts 
15. Meditated 2 times
    
16. Had lunch date with my husband
17. Went to Happy Hour with my husband
18. Watched one episode of Treme with my husband
19. Finished caring for my out-of-town daughter's dog and house, days 10 and 11
20. Got various family members, including our dog, to walk temporary foster dog with me
21. Met again with major new website client
22. Went out driving with learning teenager several times 
23. Participated in driving my not-quite-licensed-to-drive son to his job
24. Volunteered with recall campaign
25. Continued supporting my 20-year-old in his return to the academic environment; lent moral support to completion of final project and online final
26. Went to Summerfest with my husband, and couple friends of his
27. Attended 50th wedding anniversary
28. Attended wake
29. Watched Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part I, with my sons and husband, in preparation for Part II's upcoming debut
30. Made progress in cleaning/straightening/decluttering work room, bedroom & kitchen 
31. Bought new bedding to celebrate our newly unearthed bedroom 

In my view, my most important accomplishment last week was finally signing up for the triathlon I am training for.  My delay was partly a matter of securing the necessary monetary outlay; partly related to procrastination of an intended action, due to residual feelings of inadequacy and fear; and partly the result of an unwillingness to put my own needs (to sign up in, and thus be measured against, my own age group) ahead of the imagined needs of my first-timer partner for companionship in the mixed age-group category.  It turned out to be no big deal, when I finally brought it up with her.  All that remained was to pull the trigger.  Which I did.

Last week I continued to focus on the goal of decluttering our house, and involving my housemates in the excavation, starting with the kitchen, my work room, and our bedroom.  As you can see, in green above, I continued to chip away at this goal.  Housemate involvement?  Not so much, though my husband joined me in uncovering (and re "cover"-ing) our bedroom.  At the moment, I can see more of the floor of my work room, and occupy most sitting surfaces, but I still have a ways to go in there.  The kitchen?  I find some of it, I lose some of it, I find some of it, I lose more of it. . . .  It's a perennially moving target.  The whole project needs at least another week.  Hopefully, I can be healthy soon, and bring a bit more energy to it.

As I head into the coming week, I'm going to be thinking about just that--energy! 

## Today makes me think of my poem, Independence Day, posted on ReVersing Course.

On the Couch Again

(Can you hear the Willie Nelson melody behind the title?)

I'm getting a fair amount of things done this week, but for some reason my current default position is sitting or lying on the couch.  In between work and errands and tri training, and the odd swipe at domestic sanitation and rearrangement, that's where you'll find me.  Unless I'm on my backyard swing/couch, or in my hammock/couch, weather permitting.  Much tea is being drunk.  Several books are in the process of being read.  Some phone conversations are being conducted.  And my new computer is too often in my face.  But the mode is definitely sedentary.  Oh, and the wardrobe?  Except when I have to leave the house (all too frequently, in my estimation), suffice it to say that my daytime and nighttime apparel are pretty much indistinguishable.

I'm not sure what that's about.  But I've decided it's not entirely healthy.  I'm getting stiff from lack of movement, despite yoga and almost daily brief but intense workouts.  And my mood goes south after a few hours of this sort of inertia.

My preliminary self-diagnosis is spiritual exhaustion--akin to the burnout we used to read so much about.  

Whatever happened to burnout?  Is it one more thing we can no longer afford in the present economic circumstance? 

According to that incontrovertible source, Wikipedia, burnout is recognized by the ICD-10: International Classification of Diseases of the World Health Organization, 1994, as "Problems related to life-management difficulty."  And anyone who has read more than a couple of posts here almost certainly knows that I have a few of those.  Problems, that is.  And difficulties.

Psychologists Herbert Freudenberger and Gail North have theorized that the burnout process can be divided into 12 phases, which are not necessarily followed sequentially, nor necessarily in any sense. . .exist other than as an abstract construct.

• A compulsion to prove oneself
• Working harder
• Neglecting one's own needs
• Displacement of conflicts (the person does not realize the root cause of the distress)
• Revision of values (friends or hobbies are completely dismissed)
• Denial of emerging problems (cynicism and aggression become apparent)
• Withdrawal (reducing social contacts to a minimum, becoming walled off; alcohol or other substance abuse may occur)
• Behavioral changes become obvious to others
• Depersonalization (life becomes a series of mechanical functions)
• Inner emptiness
• Depression
• Burnout syndrome

Uh-oh!  This is sounding familiar.

Here's what Wikipedia has to say about dealing with burnout:

While individuals can cope with the symptoms of burnout, the only way to truly prevent burnout is through a combination of organizational change and education for the individual.  Organizations address these issues through their own management development, but often they engage external consultants to assist them in establishing new policies and practices supporting a healthier worklife. Maslach and Leiter [Annual Review of Psychology, Vol. 52: 397-422 (February 2001)] postulated that burnout occurs when there is a disconnect between the organization and the individual with regard to what they called the six areas of work life: workload, control, reward, community, fairness, and values. Resolving these discrepancies requires integrated action on the part of both the individual and the organization.

But which of my many organizational contexts is the culprit?  And if, as I suspect, my problems are multi-situational, could the problem be moi?

Maybe a few more days' rest, tempered with a bit more movement, will allow some insight. 

Done for the Week: Waiting for the Thaw

I'm slowly coming back from hitting the wall, in terms of my level of activity.  This past week, I had a bit more energy, perhaps because of the physical exercise I got.

Spring is teasing us here in Wisconsin.  After temperatures in the 80s on Sunday, the rest of last week brought a chill wind, some rain, and even snow flurries on Saturday.  All of my outdoor rallies and ventures in petition circulation have taken place in the cold--no friend to my Raynaud's syndrome.  Hence, the whitened fingers with which I have held signs and extended pens and clipboards.  And the frozen toes on which I have marched and stood and walked. 

This morning, I awoke to snow on the ground.

This is what I got done last week, in this inclement season.

Done for the Week:  April 11-17

1. Continued off-season race training; completed Week 7 of C2K--three training sessions
2. Finished Sepulchre, by Kate Mosse
3. Continued significant volunteer support to transitioning nonprofit
4. Attended state Joint Finance Hearing on Governor's proposed biennial budget
5. Attended budget protest rally
6. Circulated recall petition door to door; 3 hours total
7. Attended Board Meeting
8. Attended Issues Night
9. Attended Good Jobs & Livable Neighborhoods meeting
10. Continued to work my two part-time jobs
11. Published 4 blog posts
12. Meditated 7 times
13. Participated in interviews of two finalists for Lead Organizer position, and in hiring recommendation
14. Got one son and husband to the gym with me once each
15. Attended 2 yoga classes
16. Had dinner date with my husband
17. Got my last learning driver to driver's ed 5 times 
18. Shopped for groceries
19. Cooked
20. Caught up on laundry
21. Took son shopping for clothes
22. Drove son to DMV, and signed as sponsor for learner's permit
23. Watched basketball with husband and sons, including first playoff game of one of the two teams we root for
24. Saw my therapist
25. Tracked down and took steps to resolve one son's termination from our health insurance 
26. Paid brief visit to sick grandson
27. Paid our monthly bills
28. Kept my household checking account out of the red for another month
29. Met with website client

Apparently, I neglected to record a focus goal for last week.  My intended goal, however, was to complete Week 7 of the Couch Potato to 5K training program, which I did.   

I continue to struggle to find time for the training, given all that's going on.  I am exhausted too much of the time.  Combined with early morning meetings, and other commitments, which push available training time later in the day, I am drawing heavily on my reserves of perseverance.  But I am more consistently in the zone of reaching my minimal goal than I was just a few weeks ago.  For next week, my focus goal will be to complete the C25K Week 8, and to spread the three required sessions more evenly over the week.

Meeting last week's focus goal was, in my opinion, also the most important thing I got done over the last seven days--which is why item 1 on the list above is not only highlighted in green, but appears in red text.

I am certainly not the only one who battles a chronic low-level depression these days.  Nor am I alone in experiencing difficult moods in the spring.  Exercise and meditation are the most effective approaches I have found to dealing with feeling sad, overwhelmed, and edgy, as I have recently.  So I intend to keep making time for these essential remedies, particularly in my currently stress-filled circumstances.

We are living in uncertain, and contentious times.  I would amend the bumper sticker/button/coffee mug saying, "If you're not outraged, you're not paying attention," to read "If you're not anxious and depressed, you're not paying attention."  But maybe that's just me.  In any case, I'm aiming for tolerable mood and energy, enough to keep me carrying my share of the load and believing in the possibility of a better day, and better conditions for all.  Bliss seems out of the question at this time.  I will, however, be glad to see the sun and some mild weather, when they finally show up.

Done for the Week: Giving Up on Perfect

Last week was busier than the previous one.  The community organization for which I work part-time; do way too much volunteer office and IT work; and function as a leader in and outside of my congregation continued to ramp up for tomorrow's crucial election.  I am doing better, however, at pacing myself--necessitated by intermittently swelling family demands, and a level of moral fatigue that is beginning to seem chronic.

Here's the list of what I accomplished last week.

Done for the Week:  Mar. 28-April 3

1. Continued off-season race training, returning to C25K; completed 2/3 of Week 6
2. Finished South of Broad, by Pat Conroy
3. Continued significant volunteer support to transitioning nonprofit
4. Attended meeting of lead organizer search committee
5. Attended rescheduled Issues Night
6. Participated in teach-in on state's proposed biennial budget
7. Worked my two part-time jobs
8. Published 5 blog posts
9. Meditated 7 times
10. Got both sons and husband to the gym with me once each
11. Attended 2 yoga classes
12. Saw my therapist
    
13. Helped my son with emergency shower faucet replacement
14. Cleaned off my dresser
15. Cleaned off desk in my bedroom
16. Cleaned off workspace couch
17. Had lunch with new triathlon training partner
18. Had a 24-hour sleepover with my 3-year-old grandson, including museum visit
19. Had dinner with my sister-in-law and her family
20. Called my mother
21. Shared an evening out with my husband
    
22. Got my last learning driver to driver's ed 5 times 

Over half of the items on my list are in red, because together they represent what I feel is the most important thing I did last week--which was to give myself, my family, and my home some much-needed attention. 

Last week's focus goal was "to complete the remaining training session of Week 5, and the three training sessions of Week 6 of the Couch Potato to 5K program."   

Weather, a hectic schedule, and fatigue combined to derail my plan.  Intentions to run on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday all bit the dust, and it was Thursday before my feet met the track.  I had revised my training schedule to omit the last Week 5 session, and had started with Week 6, session 1. Saturday was to have been my second training session, but it was "rained out" by a sudden plumbing disaster, requiring immediate attention.  I completed the second session yesterday evening.

I still intend to participate in a 5K race on the first of May--ready or not.  But it is probably unrealistic to expect any perfect training weeks between now and then.  My focus goal for this week is to complete Week 6, and two of the three sessions of Week 7.  This amounts to running three times this week.  One of those runs will be with my new training partner, a friend who plans to participate in the Danskin triathlon with me this summer.

Anne Lamott writes that

Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. 

Today, I'm working to believe that this season's training will come together, if I just keep at it.

Blogging in My Sleep

I came across an article this evening on "Navigating the Five Stages of Blogging Fatigue."  In case you're curious, and even if you're not, they are:  Excitement, Expectation, Frustration, Alienation, and Abandonment--a dead blog.

I'm fairly stubborn, and relatively indefatigable.  After more than a year, I am still pretty committed to continuing this endeavor.  I'm probably hovering somewhere between Excitement and Expectation, long after most bloggers have started to lose it.  But I am beginning to suffer from blogging while fatigued.

My husband keeps trying to convince me to relax my schedule, and to skip blogging on days when I get too late a start.  But the way things have been going lately, with work and family demands multiplying while my unpaid job as a citizen and activist explodes in intensity, I would skip more often than I'd blog.  

So tonight I'm making this small effort, instead of putting it off.  And I'm blogging about blogging.  

As a poet, I have (mostly) resisted the poet's self-indulgence of writing poetry about writing poetry.  I aspire to maintain a similar standard with respect to blogging.  So I vow to keep such dissipation to a minimum.

For tonight, though my pillow is lovely, soft and deep, I have promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep.  (With apologies to Robert Frost.)