Done for the Week: The Frailty of My Powers

Twenty-one years ago, my middle child was born in the early hours of Valentine's Day.  And into a complicated family structure that has meant multiple celebrations.

Add to that our culture's Valentine's Day hype and promotion, which lays on a host of rituals and expectations, from personally addressed cards for the classmates of each of our children to blissful romantic rendezvous with our mates.  Stir in a little perfectionism, a pinch of über-mothering, a spouse's long-distance commute, and an abundance of sugar (what with all the cakes, and the chocolate), and . . . voila!  My February crazies.

Of course, now that he's 21, and his brother is not far behind, we are not preparing 20+ Valentines each, or sending birthday treats to school.  My son bought donuts himself for his new workmates.  But it was a special birthday, requiring a bit more than the usual fuss, and entailing a rite of passage or two that invited parental "guidance." 

In between icing cakes and hosting parties, I tried to get a few things done.  Here's the list:

Done for the Week:  Feb. 13-Feb. 19, 2012

1. Biked twice; swam once with my workout partner
   
2. Finally chased down diagnosis of foot injury (not wonderful, but not fatal)
3. Got my husband and one son to the gym with me
4. Watched two basketball games with various family members
5. Continued reading Elizabeth George's A Place of Hiding aloud with my husband
6. Read Death of an Expert Witness by P.D. James
7. Continued reading Proust's Remembrance of Things Past
8. Continued to work my two part-time jobs
9. Continued participating in BlogHer's NaBloPoMo
10. Published 7 blog posts
11. Continued work on current clients' projects
12. Met with my adbook successor
13. Met with new communication team's members
14. Attended one yoga class
15. Did laundry 
16. Celebrated son's twenty-first birthday, at 3 separate family gatherings/outings 
17. Continued college conversations with youngest son
18. Meditated 2 times
19. Straightened my work room
20. Attended board meeting
21. Took my dog to the dog park
22. Gave my husband minor assistance with taxes
23. Celebrated Valentine's Day with my husband, in the background of Valentine's Day birthday observance

As in the previous two weeks, my most important accomplishment last week was continuing to participate in BlogHer's NaBloPoMo (National Blog Posting Month), which required posting a blog entry each day.  In the relative ease with which I am managing to stay with this undertaking, I am rediscovering how much I love blogging, and how much time I can make for writing when I commit to it.  When I am truly into it, it is the kind of work that doesn't feel like work.  I am learning something here.

Last week's focus goal was to try to meditate most days first thing in the morning.  Number of mornings on which I meditated?  One.  And that's using the word "meditate" loosely, to include some nearly pre-conscious, and all too brief focus on breathing.  My grade in this area?  F-

I don't think it's that I don't want to meditate.  In fact, at times I long for it.  Just never when I could actually be doing it.  

I've decided to move the book Willpower, by Roy F. Baumeister and John Tierney, to the top of my book pile, since 

1.  Daniel Gilbert--of Harvard, the PBS series This Emotional Life, and the book Stumbling on Happiness says it is

sinfully delicious . . . .[and a] fascinating account of the exciting new science of self-control, told by the scientist who made it happen and the journalist who made it news.

and

2.  Regular meditation is supposed to grow my willpower/self-control/discipline, and I can't make myself do this first thing.

Reading Willpower is my focus goal for this week.  Since reading is one of the things I do instead of meditating, this one should be a slam dunk.  And after weeks of dismal focus results, I am in desperate need of a win.

Done for the Week: Not Exactly the Best Laid Plans

Stuff got done last week.  Not all of it planned.  In fact, not much of it.

 

It was one of those weeks for which the "done list" was designed--a device to foster self-forgiveness, and to document forward motion.

Done for the Week:  Jan. 23-29, 2012

1. Biked three times; did hip-strengthening exercises twice
   
2. Watched three basketball games with various family members
3. Saw orthopedist to deal with foot injury; awaiting insurance approval for ordered MRI
4. Finished reading Elizabeth George's A Traitor to Memory aloud with my husband; Began reading A Place of Hiding
5. Read Please Look After Mom, by Kyung-Sook Shin; Brideshead Revisited, by Evelyn Waugh
6. Continued to work my two part-time jobs, putting in extra hours
7. Published 1 blog post
8. Continued work on current clients' projects
9. Attended Great Lakes Multisport Expo
10. Worked on Voter ID database
11. Attended State of the Union address party 
12. Attended Social Justice meeting
13. Attended Jobs & Transportation subcommittee meeting
14. Did laundry 
15. Continued to support my son in his finally successful search for an auto mechanic internship 
16. Began supporting my other son in his college application process
17. Had lunch and breakfast dates with my husband
18. Mailed March of Dimes appeal to my neighbors
19. Meditated 3 times 
20. Got dishwasher repaired
21. Completed repair on one bedroom closet door
22. Purged many pounds of old paperwork
23. Cleaned microwave

Once again, the most important thing I accomplished last week was continuing to fight the good fight to reclaim our house.  The degree of order I have achieved thus far is providing a bit of momentum to the overall campaign, and I am enjoying keeping up the spaces I have cleared thus far.  It has been years since I succumbed to the growing disorder of my apparently undomesticatable housemates.  Maybe it has just taken me this long to venture a rematch.  But I am feeling hopeful.  And my roomies are at least making appropriate noises about pitching in a bit.  To be continued. . .

Last week's focus goal was to schedule three exercise sessions, three meditation sessions, and publishing of two blog posts (in addition to this one); and to stick to the schedule as circumstances permit, and re-work it, as they demand.  As John Becker said at the conclusion of the episode where his corner of the universe began to unravel, negatively impacting all the people around him, when he tried eating at a restaurant other than his regular haunt, "I think we learned three very valuable lessons."  Naturally, my lessons were somewhat different than his, since I was attempting a different kind of change, and since I am not a TV character in a sitcom set in the Bronx, and blessed with pretty darn good writers.  But you get the point.  So my lessons?  1:  I suck at schedules--making them and sticking to them.  2:  As Becker learned, "No good ever comes from change.  Ever."  And 3.  My life at present is not exactly schedule-friendly, even if I had the knack. 

All this is by way of saying that I didn't make much of a schedule, and I didn't keep to it much either.  I did manage to bike twice, to meditate twice, and to publish NO posts after the first one last week.  In my defense, several major departures from my anticipated work hours decimated my already half-assed plans.  

Life just keeps happening, and happening, and happening. . . . As in the days when my own children's illnesses blew up my days, and my mood, I now find myself similarly affected by my grandchildren's illnesses.  Last week's childcare "schedule" was greatly altered to accommodate a killer virus that featured pink eye, stomach distress, and the kind of sneezing and sniffling only a pre-schooler can do.  And then there was the trek to the other side of the planet to support my son's quest for an internship.  And the two hours spent in the doctor's office investigating a remedy for my injured foot.  And the snow.  And the repairman who bumped me to last on his list.  And the committee meeting I'd forgotten to put on my calendar.  And the challenges of sharing three cars among four drivers each with their own scheduling changes and challenges. . . . And . . . and . . . and . . .


For next week, I am returning to a simpler, smaller focus goal--to meditate as many days as I can manage.  This "change agent" is clearly not anywhere near ready for prime time.  (I read this evening, while on the stationary bike, that meditation can help grow the capacity for self-discipline.) 

Done for the Week: Out of Time and Out of Focus

I am desperately seeking routine.  In particular, one that will support/permit the blogging productivity (two to three posts per week) that I aspire to. 

Once again, I have fallen short. 

Here's why, in part:

Done for the Week:  Jan. 16-22, 2012

1. Made appointment with orthopedist to deal with foot injury
2. Biked once, and did weight training--foot injury prevented additional dry-land exercise; did hip-strengthening exercises twice
   
3. Watched two basketball games with various family members
4. Continued reading Elizabeth George's A Traitor to Memory aloud with my husband--almost finished
5. Read Smokin' Seventeen by Janet Evanovich; am in the middle of "The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes" in The Complete Stories of Sherlock Holmes, by Arthur Conan Doyle, and The House by the Sea:  A Journal, by May Sarton 
6. Continued to work my two part-time jobs, putting in extra hours
7. Published 1 blog post
8. Continued work on current clients' projects
9. Attended training and was sworn in as deputy voter registrar
10. Attended new church as visitor
11. Attended 1 yoga class
12. Did laundry 
13. Continued to support my son in his search for an internship
14. Had lunch and breakfast dates with my husband
15. Negotiated dishwasher repair appointment and customer relations deal; ongoing. . .
16. Shopped for final family Christmas celebration
17. Hosted final family Christmas celebration 
18. Paid the monthly bills
19. Meditated 3 times
20. Continued major decluttering, getting rid of approximately ten years of old bills and financial reports
21. Straightened, vacuumed and dusted living room

The most important thing I accomplished last week was the continuation of our household effort, mostly "womaned" by me, to dig out from the accretion of "the childrearing years."  I am entering a phase still short of "Maintenance", but beginning to be able to see more and more of the floor space in my ranch-style, full- (and fully occupied) basement house.  And lo and behold, we have closets!  And drawers!  And shelves and countertops!  I'm really counting on Gretchen Rubin's Happiness Project promise that "outer order [will] contribute to inner calm."  If I continue at my current pace of outer "ordering," I should be comatose soon.

My goal for last week was to focus on walking; non-weight-bearing hip strengthening exercises; and swimming--and to make it to the gym three times. I can't say the week's effort was a smashing success in this realm.  As item 1 above reveals, I made it to the gym only one time, though I did manage to combine biking with weight-training.  I continue to have a hard time making myself swim.  Arctic temperatures, my hair-washing schedule, and a crazy round of appointments and activities provided a barrier sufficient to discourage my mild aquatic interest.  And despite my dog's encouragement (in the form of whining, and stealing pillows--his protest-of-choice), I didn't walk at all--other than from one job to another, and one room to another in search of sweets.  I did squeeze in a couple of hip exercise sessions, in addition to the one yoga class that wasn't preempted by an expanding work schedule.  But clearly, I could have done better. 

I had also planned to find more time for this blog last week.  Unfortunately, the universe seems determined to eat the time slots previously reserved for posting.  I'm not sure how this is going to shake out in future, as my work schedule and young-man-launching activities and obligations are growing like Topsy just now.  I am particularly challenged by an erratic schedule, which changes from day to day, week to week, and semester to semester. 

My focus goal for this coming week is to schedule three exercise sessions, three meditation sessions, and publishing of two blog posts (in addition to this one); and to stick to the schedule as circumstances permit, and re-work it, as they demand.

Wish me luck.  I don't seem to be especially good at "pre-meditated" work. (Pardon the pun, which I confess was intended.)

Done for the Week: So Soon Again

Last night's post, which was supposed to be last Monday's, reported on the previous week's achievements.  It's a bit time-warpy, I'll admit, but getting back on track requires this close-upon-the-heels account of the week that ended last night. 

Here's what got done:  (I know, I know.  Passive tense a no-no.)

Done for the Week:  Jan. 9-15, 2012

1. Consulted physical therapist for injury evaluation
   
2. Watched two basketball games, and against my feminist principles part of one football game, with various family members
3. Continued reading Elizabeth George's A Traitor to Memory aloud with my husband--nearing the end
4. Read "The Valley of Fear" from The Complete Stories of Sherlock Holmes, by Arthur Conan Doyle
5. Continued to work my two part-time jobs
6. Published 1 blog post
7. Continued work on current clients' projects
8. Spent 6 hours working on recall campaign
9. Helped with and attended recall celebration
10. Went out for a drink with recall friends
11. Attended board meeting
12. Attended annual prayer breakfast celebrating the life of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.
13. Attended 2 yoga classes
14. Did laundry 
15. Called my mother
16. Continued to support my son in his search for an internship
17. Took my son out to dinner 
18. Had lunch and breakfast dates with my husband
19. Arranged dishwasher repair
20. Arranged final Christmas celebration, delayed by travel and new baby in the family
21. Meditated 3 times
22. Continued setting up new bedroom with my husband
23. Continued to help my son set up his new bedroom
24. Continued refurbishing upstairs bathroom, including major cleaning
25. Cleaned or reorganized upstairs linen closet
26. Continued major decluttering

The most important thing I accomplished last week was the completion of Phase 2 of a major household shift, involving exchanging bedrooms and bathrooms with my oldest son.   We are reaching the stage where the improvements are beginning to motivate continued progress.  Having the week off from the recently concluded recall process, before beginning to work on voter ID and registration, should free up some time for this ongoing project. 

My focus goal for last week was to make time to continue exercising regularly.  How did I do?  As my son would say, "Epic Fail!"  I did manage to get to yoga class twice, but otherwise succumbed to fatigue, busyness, and an increasingly bothersome foot injury.  The physical therapist I consulted about my foot ordered me to see an orthopedist, which I plan to do this week.  In the meantime, I intend to focus on walking, non-weight-bearing hip strengthening exercises, and swimming, and to make it to the gym three times this week.

And oh, yeah, concentrate on finding more time for Put it to Bed.

Done for the Week: In the Nick of Time

Clearly, today is not Monday.  Not by a long shot.  In fact, it's very nearly next Monday.  2012 is shaping up to be a very busy year.   

Put it to Bed is now in its official third year, and much work remains on my personal reorganization project.  I am in the process of reassessing the structure of this blog, given the numerous enterprises in which I am engaged.  In the meantime, I intend to continue posting two to three times weekly--generally beginning with Monday's "Done for the Week" accountability exercise.

For this (nearly gone) week, in case you've been waiting breathlessly to read this update, you can breathe again.  Here's the list!

Done for the Week:  Jan. 2-8, 2012

1. Biked once, ran once, walked twice
   
2. Watched three basketball games with various family members
3. Took my dog to the dog park with my husband, and on one long walk 
   
4. Continued reading Elizabeth George's A Traitor to Memory aloud with my husband--only a few chapters left
5. Read "A Study in Scarlet" and "The Sign of the Four" from The Complete Stories of Sherlock Holmes, by Arthur Conan Doyle
6. Continued to work my two part-time jobs
7. Published 1 blog post
8. Continued work on current clients' projects
9. Spent 6 hours working on recall campaign
10. Attended 2 yoga classes
11. Did laundry 
12. Meditated 5 times
13. Moved into new bedroom with my husband
14. Helped my son set up his new bedroom
15. Began refurbishing upstairs bathroom
16. Found new bed for son on Craigslist
17. Removed several large furniture pieces and one old carpet from house for disposal/donation 
18. Participated in annual Half Price Books shopping with my family, using our Christmas gift cards
19. Sold books to Half Price Books

The most important thing I accomplished last week was the completion of Phase 1 of a major household shift, involving exchanging bedrooms and bathrooms with my oldest son.   

A little background:  Back in late August of 2005, while my husband was in Greenville, Mississippi picking up my Katrina-refugee parents, I was busy turning the main floor of our house into what would have to pass for an assisted living facility for the duration of their unspecified-length stay with us.  Among other things, this involved opening up our basement door and shoving the contents of our bedroom down the stairs.  

Mom and Dad and their elderly Bichon were with us for three months.  Long enough for my husband and I to settle in in our new location.  And ensuing calamities over the next several years were distracting enough to keep us there.  Until now.

One of the good things about deciding to switch rooms with our son is the opportunity for all of us to reorganize our belongings, and get a fresh start on domestic order.  One of the bad things, for us, is the downsizing necessitated by moving into much smaller quarters.  We are still throwing things out, discarding furniture and hundreds of books and no-longer-loved clothing. 

I am alternately loving and hating this process.  I am putting in a lot of hours at it.

My focus goal for the period in question was to make time to exercise at least three times, and to meditate daily.  I had intended one session each, running (sort of), biking and swimming. I did fairly well, though swimming once became walking twice.  I have a hard time facing the prospect of getting wet in January.  I did succeed in meditating most days, partly by lowering my standards, allowing myself to count fifteen minutes of YouTube-assisted "meditation" as one session.

For the week that is now almost over I planned to focus on continuing to exercise regularly.  Preview of tomorrow's post:  I will meet that goal if I stay up the rest of the night, swimming (in my bathtub?), biking (on my trainer) and running (on a potentially broken foot). . . .

Done for the Week: Missing the Essential

Why does it feel like last week was so busy?  Because it was? 

Why does it feel like I'm avoiding the most important work?  Because I am?

Done for the Week:  Nov. 21-27, 2011

1. Biked twice--nursing undiagnosed injury--shin splints?  tendonitis?  DOMS (Delayed Onset Muscle Soreness--it's a runners' thing)?
2. Walked my dog three times, with various family members 
3. Read Love Invents Us, by Amy Bloom; Called to Freedom, by Stephen Boehrer
4. Continued to work my two part-time jobs
5. Published 3 blog posts
6. Continued significant work on current clients' projects
7. Attended Jobs Prayer Vigil
8. Attended Town Hall for proposed city Jobs Act
9. Continued to collect recall petition signatures
10. Celebrated Thanksgiving with my family
11. Had my daughter and her growing family over for day-after-Thanksgiving dinner
12. Babysat my new granddaughter and her four-year-0ld brother twice
13. Refinanced our house
14. Watched one episode of Boss with my husband
15. Scheduled weekly volunteering at Recall office for the duration
16. Continued reading Elizabeth George's A Traitor to Memory aloud with my husband
17. Watched one episode of Eureka with my son
18. Replaced broken toilet seat
19. Cleaned the kitchen and sunroom/dining room
20. Cleaned out entryway closet
21. Started cleaning my study 
22. Scheduled car repair appointment
23. Scheduled doctor's appointment
24. Ordered birthday present for my mom
25. Ordered replacement part for the dishwasher
26. Got new running shoes
27. Tried new turkey leftover recipe
28. Scheduled piano repair/tuning appointment
29. Went to Happy Hour with my husband
30. Did laundry

I didn't spend the last week just spinning my wheels, but I did, as this week's quote says, "not do the one thing [I] ought to do."  I don't exactly feel that I am wasting my life, because most of what I am busy with is important to me.  But I am coming to realize that it is time to get back to work on my novel.

I have been experiencing some noticeable muscle/joint soreness lately and, in true hypochondriacal fashion, registered a fear the other morning that I might have bone cancer.  While it is much more likely that I have merely overdone my training, and underdone my sleep and necessary self-care the last couple of months, that moment of anxiety was enough to clarify some things for me. 

Like everyone else, I do not have unlimited tenure on this planet.  And like most of us, I do a fairly good job of ignoring that fact most of the time.  But when I was staring it in the face that morning, I thought of my novel.  And I thought that its unfinished state would be my deepest regret if I were suddenly to run out of time.

And thus, my focus goal for the coming week is to resume work on my novel.  And in service of that goal, I plan to employ Neil Fiore's Unschedule--subject of the single-most viewed post, hands down, of my blog.

As to last week, my most important accomplishment was refinancing our house.  Not single-handedly, of course, but in cooperation with my husband and my credit union.  This act matters because of the thousands of dollars and years of financial freedom it will reclaim for us, so that we can keep it together that much longer--provided we don't die of bone cancer sooner.

Last week's focus goal was "to continue the effort to get to the gym," and to "try to walk my dog on days when I don't work out."  Because of the whole fake-bone cancer thing, I was forced to take it easy workout-wise.  But I did manage to make it to the gym twice, and to walk my dog three times--twice at the dog park, from my house to my daughter's and back, a short drive but a forty-minute round-trip walk.


And now, in the interest of keeping some time for (gulp) my personal n-word, I'm declaring this post done.

Done for the Week: Resisting Hibernation

It's back!  That time of year when I struggle to get out of pajamas, and out of the house.

It's dark well before dinner, and chilly temperatures have us encased in increasingly heavy clothing when we must venture out. 

Add to that the accumulated fatigue of the last year's onslaught of crises, from the personal to the political, and my inner child is threatening a strike.

I am still managing to put one foot in front of the other, if slowly, and to be semi-productive.  Here's what got done last week:

Done for the Week:  Nov. 14-20, 2011

1. Ran once, biked twice
2. Read All Passion Spent, by Vita Sackville-West
3. Continued to work my two part-time jobs
4. Published 2 blog posts
5. Continued significant work on current clients' projects
6. Welcomed my new tiny granddaughter home, after 5 weeks in the hospital!
7. Participated in Occupy Milwaukee event marking national day of economic emergency
8. Participated in Recall Walker Kick-off Rally
9. Began collecting signatures on recall petition
10. Volunteered to staff Recall office
11. Attended my organization's annual public meeting
12. Watched two episodes of Boss with my husband
13. Did laundry
14. Cleaned out entryway closet
15. Cleaned refrigerator
16. Continued reading Elizabeth George's A Traitor to Memory aloud with my husband
17. Went to Happy Hour with my husband
18. Planned trip to spend Christmas with my mother
19. Booked plane reservations
20. Held family meeting to plan Thanksgiving dinner
21. Cooked Mexican Chicken Lime Soup

Two really important things happened this past week, only one of which I can list as a personal accomplishment.  The first is that my new granddaughter finally came home, after five weeks in the hospital's neonatal intensive care unit.  She and her family are doing well, for which I am thrilled.  My son-in-law is on paternity leave through this coming week, so my own support duties are minimal for the time being.  When my daughter goes back to work, after the first of the year, I get to start remembering how to care for an infant and a preschooler simultaneously.  (I'm taking my vitamins.)

Last week's other important thing was that I began to collect signatures on the petitions to recall our governor and lieutenant governor.  After ten destructive months in office, many of us are committed to putting an end to their consistently undemocratic campaign to radically undermine what's left of the safety net for our most vulnerable citizens.  I expect to work hard while our 60-day countdown clock ticks.  Wisconsin--Forward!

Meanwhile, I will continue to be engaged in trying to live my own life.  And I will need energy and stamina.  Apropos of this concern, last week's focus goal was "to work out at least three days."   I did manage to bike twice and run once, but one workout session combined biking and running--so actually I only worked out two days.  Our recent time change means that most available workout time is after dark, when my strong hibernation impulse kicks in big time.  All I really want to do after dinner is read, relax with my family, and go to bed early.  I don't even have basketball to keep me awake this season.  But I intend to continue the effort to get to the gym--my focus goal for the coming week.

It helps that I am surrounded by challenged fellow-exercisers, including my husband, my triathlon training partner, and both of my sons.  I need to take advantage of the guilt I feel when I let them down, as they often don't exercise if I don't.  I plan to accept more of their invitations.  I will also try to walk my dog on days when I don't work out, and to exercise earlier in the day when possible.  

It will be easier to work in working out if I can be in a bit more control of my time (more feasible since my granddaughter is home), and complete regular tasks, like blogging, before noon.  

Whew!  I just made it.

Done for the Last Two Weeks: Having Hit the Wall

One of the blessings of this blog has been the (admittedly not vast) "public" accountability for the way I run my life, which is built into these weekly done lists.

And one of the curses of this blog has been the (thankfully not vast) "public" accountability for the way I stumble while running my life.

This post's title blares last week's missing update. The story behind the story is some serious back pedaling.  The major dose of "good mother" behavior which dominated the last several weeks seems to have resulted in a tantrum-like reaction, in which I found myself unable/unwilling to do anything that a) was optional, and b) required any sort of initiative on my part.

I've decided to think of it as a self-correction.  This designation seems like the shortest path back to what I think of as "my work."  And that includes, but is not limited to, this blog.

Done for the Last Two Weeks:  Oct. 24-Nov. 6, 2011

1. Ran three times, swam once
2. Picked up new wetsuit
3. Attended last Run Better class with Trifaster's Lauren Jensen
4. Read The Farming of Bones, by Edwidge Danticat; Mothers and Other Liars, by Amy Bourret
5. Continued to work my two part-time jobs
6. Published 1 blog post
7. Continued significant work on current clients' projects
8. Continued to give nearly full-time support to my daughter and her family as they coped with early arrival of their baby, and my daughter's continuing health problems
9. Helped my son complete loan papers for school
10. Went out for three happy hours with my husband
11. Watched second and third episodes of Boss with my husband
12. Did laundry
13. Watched the first two entire seasons of The Good Wife, in an act of utter escapism
14. Continued reading Elizabeth George's A Traitor to Memory aloud with my husband
15. Straightened out nagging bill issues
16. Attended a special meeting on organization's proposed by-laws amendments
17. Vacuumed several dogs worth of hair off our living room carpet--AGAIN
18. Took my grandson to his swimming lesson
19. Straightened, vacuumed, and dusted our bedroom
20. Reset several clocks and watches back to Standard Time

In between sessions of self-indulgence, I continued to spend significant--though decreasing--amounts of time during the last two weeks helping my daughter and her family deal with the demands and difficulties of her medically complicated postpartum period and the needs of her preemie infant in a Level III NICU miles away. 

And this was still my most important accomplishment.  My daughter is beginning to recover, and my new granddaughter is doing well.  The baby has not yet decided to move beyond passive nourishment, however, which keeps her from coming home for the time being.  And so for now, and for the foreseeable future, Nana-ing remains Job 1.

As part of coping with the stresses of this interval,  my focus goal, from two weeks ago, was to "resume meditating.  Period."   And to show for this?  Another epic fail.  Although I know that meditating is an important element of self-care for me, and a major contributor to the effort to depression-proof my life, I managed to avoid the cushion altogether for the last two weeks.  Part of the tantrum, it would seem.

For the coming week, I am setting a more flexible focus goal, to accommodate the continuing unpredictability of my schedule and my current incorrigible nature.  I am committing myself to practice positive, non self-indulgent self-care, in whatever form I can.  I'll know it when I see it.

On the Couch Again

(Can you hear the Willie Nelson melody behind the title?)

I'm getting a fair amount of things done this week, but for some reason my current default position is sitting or lying on the couch.  In between work and errands and tri training, and the odd swipe at domestic sanitation and rearrangement, that's where you'll find me.  Unless I'm on my backyard swing/couch, or in my hammock/couch, weather permitting.  Much tea is being drunk.  Several books are in the process of being read.  Some phone conversations are being conducted.  And my new computer is too often in my face.  But the mode is definitely sedentary.  Oh, and the wardrobe?  Except when I have to leave the house (all too frequently, in my estimation), suffice it to say that my daytime and nighttime apparel are pretty much indistinguishable.

I'm not sure what that's about.  But I've decided it's not entirely healthy.  I'm getting stiff from lack of movement, despite yoga and almost daily brief but intense workouts.  And my mood goes south after a few hours of this sort of inertia.

My preliminary self-diagnosis is spiritual exhaustion--akin to the burnout we used to read so much about.  

Whatever happened to burnout?  Is it one more thing we can no longer afford in the present economic circumstance? 

According to that incontrovertible source, Wikipedia, burnout is recognized by the ICD-10: International Classification of Diseases of the World Health Organization, 1994, as "Problems related to life-management difficulty."  And anyone who has read more than a couple of posts here almost certainly knows that I have a few of those.  Problems, that is.  And difficulties.

Psychologists Herbert Freudenberger and Gail North have theorized that the burnout process can be divided into 12 phases, which are not necessarily followed sequentially, nor necessarily in any sense. . .exist other than as an abstract construct.

• A compulsion to prove oneself
• Working harder
• Neglecting one's own needs
• Displacement of conflicts (the person does not realize the root cause of the distress)
• Revision of values (friends or hobbies are completely dismissed)
• Denial of emerging problems (cynicism and aggression become apparent)
• Withdrawal (reducing social contacts to a minimum, becoming walled off; alcohol or other substance abuse may occur)
• Behavioral changes become obvious to others
• Depersonalization (life becomes a series of mechanical functions)
• Inner emptiness
• Depression
• Burnout syndrome

Uh-oh!  This is sounding familiar.

Here's what Wikipedia has to say about dealing with burnout:

While individuals can cope with the symptoms of burnout, the only way to truly prevent burnout is through a combination of organizational change and education for the individual.  Organizations address these issues through their own management development, but often they engage external consultants to assist them in establishing new policies and practices supporting a healthier worklife. Maslach and Leiter [Annual Review of Psychology, Vol. 52: 397-422 (February 2001)] postulated that burnout occurs when there is a disconnect between the organization and the individual with regard to what they called the six areas of work life: workload, control, reward, community, fairness, and values. Resolving these discrepancies requires integrated action on the part of both the individual and the organization.

But which of my many organizational contexts is the culprit?  And if, as I suspect, my problems are multi-situational, could the problem be moi?

Maybe a few more days' rest, tempered with a bit more movement, will allow some insight. 

Done for the Week: By Tempests Tossed

More irregular time this past week.  Family difficulties.  National holidays.  Unforeseen work emergencies.

This obstacle course required me to continue working on agility, while I got the following things done:

Done for the Week:  May 23 - 29, 2011

1. Continued training for triathlon; biked once, swam once, ran twice
2. Ran twice with my training partner 
   
3. Finished A Weekend to Change Your Life, by Joan Anderson; Recovering From the Loss of a Parent, by Katherine Fair Donnelly
4. Attended search committee meeting
   
5. Did extra babysitting for my grandson
6. Held jobs action
7. Met for debriefing
8. Completed major annual project for my organization
   
9. Called my mother
10. Continued to work my two part-time jobs 
11. Went to see Jane Eyre with my daughter
    
12. Published 4 blog posts 
13. Wrote 1 gratitude journal entry
14. Got my husband and son to the gym with me once
    
15. Meditated 4 times
    
16. Kept my new garden flowers alive, and planted more
17. Contacted contractor to schedule bathroom electrical work
18. Had lunch date with my husband
19. Caught up on laundry
20. Watched two playoff basketball games with my sons and husband
21. Went out driving with learning teenager several times 
22. Finished long-distance support of my mother, during my sister's vacation
23. Participated in driving my newly re-employed son to his job
24. Continued planning for trip to Seattle this week with my husband
    

Last week's focus goal was to "hang on, and continue to meditate, and breathe while I do both." I did manage to hang on.  And apparently to breathe, since I'm sitting here writing this.  I meditated more days than I didn't, but only just.  When I stuck to my mid-day meditation "routine," I succeeded.  When the day got away from me, and I allowed its middle to be trodden by others' agendas--four of seven days last week--not so much.  I made time to meditate (prior to falling asleep) on only one of the four disrupted days.  

I have started reading Martha Beck's The Joy Diet:  10 Daily Practices for a Happier Life , and find that her first "menu item," the one she wants us to begin with, is meditation--though she coyly refers to it as "Nothing."  It seems that most of the nonfiction books I pick up these days, in my relatively undisciplined search for peace, wisdom, self-correction, and amusement, involve meditation in one way or another.  All roads, it would seem, lead to Om.  Either meditation is saturating our culture, or, as The Secret's Rhonda Byrne would have us believe, I am drawing these personally needed messages to me.  But in any case, the importance of meditating is being hammered home to me again and again.  So I will keep on striving to "do nothing," for at least twenty minutes of every day.

And here's a test.  The morning is waning.  I am working on yesterday's post, so that I can progress to today's.  I am trying to get ready to leave town in two days.  I have already missed an important meeting so that I could attend a more important yoga class (I missed both classes last week, in favor of meetings and other work obligations).  And I am due at work in less than an hour.  But it is mid day, my meditating witching hour.  And so I am going to put aside blogging, so that I can do nothing.  For twenty minutes. . .

And now, I've meditated, lunched, and worked.  And I'm ba-aack.

Last week's most important accomplishment, I believe, was holding the jobs action I conceived and helped to plan; and meeting to debrief afterwards.  And for the same reasons that the previous week's most important accomplishment was planning said action:  the potential significance of changes we intend to effect in how jobs are being allocated in our city; and my own desire to graduate from being seen primarily as a techie with secretarial skills in an organization in which I contribute ideas, knowledge and skills outside that narrow realm. The action represented a significant step in our bid to learn more about the barriers to employment, so that we can take effective action to overcome them.


As of Thursday, I will be on vacation until next Tuesday.  I will resume posting on Wednesday, June 8.  Until then, I will focus on meditating, and on relaxing.