Tangled Up in Yes

A few weeks ago, my husband and I attended "the other Unitarian church" in town in order to hear a sermon entitled "Learning to Say No."  The minister is a woman we've heard before, whose sermons are generally worth listening to.  I've been cherry picking sermon topics of late, weighing inspiration against desperately needed "free" time.  That particular Sunday, I was hoping that my husband, whose usual case of overcommitment has once again reached the critical stage, would be led to surgically crop his to-do list to a more human scale.

As it happened, "yes" was at least as much a part of her talk as "no." 

At its heart was the notion that saying no acts to protect and prioritize what she termed our "deep yes"--that thing we value most, the work we are meant to do.*

Trouble is, as we discovered over our post-church lunch, both my husband and I suffer from an overdose of "deep yeses."

My own list includes my children, my grandchildren, my novel, my blog, my social justice work, recalling our governor, my business, triathlon, meditation, oh, and I almost forgot, my husband. My husband operates in a larger arena, as a university professor, researcher, community agitator, expert legal witness, writer and speaker. Oh, and a husband and father.

Neither of us is blessed with the understanding that there are only so many hours in a day, days in a week, or lives in a lifetime. And so we run faster on our little hamster wheels, and stress more, and too frequently land in the red zone, exhausted and overwhelmed.

We are pretty good and getting better, each in our own way, at saying no to things we don't really want to do. Not so good, however, at weeding our overgrown gardens of missions and projects. And so, instead of purposeful winnowing, we end up with decision by default, a natural wasting taking down some of what we care about because we lack the time, energy, and miracle power to tend to it all.

I'm at work on a method for cutting away a bit more of this forest of passions. Stay tuned.

---

Turns out, I discovered after posting this, that the minister in question was relying on Stephen Covey for this terminology, as I now remember she mentioned. He famously said that "It's easy to say 'no!' when there's a deeper 'yes' burning inside.

When All Else Fails, Baby Steps . . .

My first husband was a clinical psychologist.  Still is, actually.  (A clinical psychologist, not my husband.)  One of the movies I remember particularly enjoying with him was What About Bob? with Bill Murray and Richard Dreyfuss.  In the movie, Drefuss's character, Dr. Leo Marvin, is promoting his new book, Baby Steps.  Murray's Bob is in desperate need of its guidance.

While Bob's multiphobic state is beyond anything I have experienced to date in my history of anxieties and mild mood swings, I find the advice--to break the overwhelming down into small, doable steps, and to take those steps one at a time--useful.  In fact, I believe it can be helpful to all of us, from time to time.

And now is one of those times for me. 

I predictably approach life challenges from the library side of things.  When in doubt, I read about the thing that's troubling me.  Thus, this blog and the study that has fueled it. 

My family members frequently chide me to "quit reading about it, and just do it."  Just get on the plane, cry out my grief, clean up the kitchen . . . . And in this case, STOP PROCRASTINATING and DO STUFF.

When I reach the state, as now, where I am floundering, no wind fills my sails, and the task of life looms large, I try to remember baby steps--an antidote to over-delving. 

Today, this translates into:

1) making a to-do list.  I have a love/hate relationship with to-do lists.  I make them too big.  I spend too much time crafting them.  I lose them.  They send me into labor.  But they help anchor me.  And when I have been to-do-less for too long, it helps to go back to the practice of making the list, and referring to it. 

2) employing something I think of as down and up.  This practice consists of making room for frittering and malaise, but interspersing such moments with practical activity.  So I sit down on my backyard swing, reading, dreaming, playing solitaire, for a specified period--a chapter, or 15 minutes, or 5 digital "hands"--and then I get up and load the dishwasher, or fold laundry, or pay the bills, weed the garden, walk the dog, run an errand. . . .  And then repeat as necessary, until the small achievements snag my will and pull me forward.

The challenge with this method is that much of my "productive" stuff happens sitting down, like writing, work-related reading, web design, communicating with clients, working on campaigns, etc.  But when I reach the mental and physical state that harbingers hibernation, physical activity--actual movement, however brief--is required to prevent rusting. 

These are the days for restoring "outer order"--the thing that Gretchen Rubin's maxim promises "contributes to inner calm."

"Baby step, make a to-do list."

"Baby step, sit down and play."

"Baby step, get up and do something."

"Baby step, keep going. . . "

Taking Time for Summer

One take on chronic procrastination might be to redefine our to-do lists to reflect what we're actually likely to do.

Along those lines, I have observed in recent weeks that I am more likely to publish 3 or 4 blog posts per week, than I am to achieve my self-established standard of Monday through Friday, 5 posts a week blogging.

I have therefore decided to relax my blogging rule for the summer, and to aim for 3 to 4 posts each week.  This reflects more sensibly the time I have to give, what with two recall elections, one triathlon, and work for a major new web client vying for my energies.  It answers my "heart's desire" for a more leisurely pace than the one I've been keeping.  And it will instantly improve my rate of success, and transfuse my flagging self-esteem.

I may be, as some have suggested, a bit of a troglodyte.  But I savor memories of summertimes past, when life slowed, routines fell away, and there was time to read, to garden, and to play.  I am lucky enough to live in a house filled with books, with two well-stocked libraries nearby, just in case.  God knows my "garden," in a state of utter neglect, needs me.  And one of my favorite people in the world is three years old, and treasures his "long-Nana-days."

I trust the world will survive with one or two less bulletins a week from me, for the next couple of months. 

To-Do Lists Made Up for the Dead

I was really looking forward to reading the book pictured here--
To-Do Lists of the Dead, by Jonathan Katz.  I don't remember how I learned about it, but it was either inaccurately described, or I somehow read between the lines something corresponding to what I wanted it to be.


For some crazy reason, I expected to find actual to-do lists of well-known, now deceased persons.  And I was fascinated by the idea of learning how history-making individuals have approached the confounding process of deciding what they should be doing.  Just think what items Albert Einstein might have scribbled on his agenda for any given day!  And Amelia Earhart!  How would she apportion her time, squeezing bill-paying and haircuts in between flying lessons?


Instead, alas, the lists in this slightly amusing compendium are made up by its humorist author.  The same man who brought us the animated sitcom Dr. Katz, Professional Therapist used his comedic talent to produce the following gems:


Buddha's To-Do List:

1.  Become enlightened.
2. Become one with everything or, at the most, possibly two.
3. Find out if the crowds are followers or just people who can't get around me.

And, in what seems to be some kind of appended musing, 

We are what we think . . . All that we are arises with our thought.  To live a pure unselfish life, one must count nothing as one's own in the midst of abundance . . . you are what you eat . . . An insincere and evil friend is more to be fear than a wild beast (this is too easy) . . . . 

followed by

you don't know what you've got till it's gone . . . love means never having to say you're sorry . . .

Not exactly what I was looking for.

And neither is this faux list from Mother Teresa,

1. Return calls to Pope.  (I need voice mail!)
2. Perform a miracle.  (Soon.)

nor its postscript. 

Get tickets to see that show, O Calcutta.  A charming evening at the theater would be a welcome break from all the poverty that I deal with on a daily basis.

Here's what Katz dreamed up for Einstein,

1. E=MC and then some.
2. E=MC or something like that. . . .
3. The love you take is equal to the love you make.
4. BORING!
5. I'm starved.
6. Bring on the chicks!
7. Try a large tube of Bryllcreem.
8. Spend more time--some time--with the kids.

along with

Things equal to "E" are equal to themselves.  Everything is equal to itself.

And Amelia?  Katz renders her self-assignments thusly:

1. Become first woman to fly across the Atlantic.
2. Become first woman to fly across the Pacific.
3. Double check Noonan's navigator credentials.  (Seems a bit sketchy, especially about the flying stuff.)
4. Is the train so bad?  Look into it.

I'm still holding out for the real deal.  My researcher's brain imagines faded jottings on brittle scraps of paper, just waiting to be unearthed from as-yet-unplumbed archives.  And until someone conducts that quest, and writes that book, I guess I'll just stick to my own uncelebrated, but genuine lists.

Grappling with "O"

I'm starting to feeling like something's gaining on me again.  You know, that O-monster, OVERWHELM-MENT!  (I know it's not a word.)  And it seems I'm not the only one.


What is it about October?  In my family, there are a number of birthdays and anniversaries, in addition to Halloween hoopla, now with a new generation of masked marauders.  But the month seems traditionally to feature a noticeable uptick in meetings, events, campaigns, and preparations--maybe to get us in gear to go totally mad at "the holidays."  But could this annual mania actually be accellerating?  A friend of mine, never a layabout, told me recently that this is the busiest she can remember being in her life!  


I have been making a sincere effort to whittle, pare down, cut back and generally trim my list of obligatory tasks and projects.  But no sooner do I engage my recently developed "no" muscle than a patch of new demands crops up.  When I adhere to my resolution to take better care of myself, the result is that tasks are left over at the end of the day.  I dutifully move them to the next day, where they are joined by a fresh legion of to-dos.  


I definitely want to get off this ride.  


And where is all this stuff to do coming from, anyway?  It seems to bubble up from the ground beneath my feet, to slip through the cracks in my stone facade, to be carried like spores through the air around me.  It seeps in by email and Facebook posts, by text and voice messages on my cell and landline phones, by snail mail, and in almost every personal contact.  I can't leave a meeting or social engagement, it would appear, without trailing a host of things to see to.  Even church isn't safe.  And when my family members crawl out from their respective lairs--you guessed it!  More work for me.  "Mom, can you do me a favor?"  "Mary, did you take care of that thing we talked about?"  "Hey, Mary.  Can you look into getting Mom some life insurance?"  


Maybe I need to be more proactive about this whole thing.  Gear up for the task-off, assign lest I be assigned.  Or plug up the holes where all this accretion is getting in.  Lose the phones.  Quit checking the email.  Contract agoraphobia.  Or spray myself with some kind of work-repellant.  I imagine if I put my mind to it, I could figure this out.  


I know.  I'll put it on my list. . . . Or not.  

A Basic Middle Way To Do List for Difficult Days

The last week or so has been kind of a tough time.  And I'm anticipating a bit more of the same.  When things get harder, I am tempted to veer to one of two extremes.  Either I load up my to-do list and try to power my way through.  Or I take to the couch.  (Not my bed, of course.  That would be just too depressing!)


Seems like a good time to reflect on the Middle Way.  

And what, monks, is the Middle Way realized by the Thus-Come-One, which gives vision and understanding, which leads to calm, penetration, enlightenment, to Nirvana?

It is just this Noble Eightfold Path, namely: Right View, Right Intention, Right Speech, Right Action, Right Livelihood, Right Effort, Right Mindfulness, and Right Concentration. – The Buddha, Dhammacakkappavattana Sutta

Gary of Buddha Space, writing on the Middle Way for--oddly enough--The Middle Way, tells us that

According to the Buddha, the Middle Way is a life lived between the extremes of self-denial and self-indulgence. Neither hedonist nor ascetic are to be imitated, for the Noble Eightfold Path weaves its way through life avoiding both these unenlightened lifestyles. 

This Noble Eightfold Path, set out for his monks by Siddhartha Gautama more than 2500 years ago, is deceptively simple.  Inherent to its meaning are the precepts of balance, acceptance and mindfulness.  


Since I am not the Buddha, nor do I play one on TV, I struggle to wrap my 21st-century cluttered mind around his wisdom.  But the guidance I receive this morning, whether the intended understanding or not, is that I need to keep going, but to do so gently, and without judgement, at this time.


And so here is my pared-down to do list, for difficult times:


1.  Keep breathing
2.  Fulfill necessary obligations (work, family responsibilities) to the extent possible
3.  Meditate
4.  Get some exercise
5.  Sleep
6.  Clean something
7.  Read something
8.  Write something
9.  Be kind to someone
10.  Eat something healthful and good-tasting


For today, that is enough.  

Lots of Stuff Gets Done if You Just Live Long Enough

I don't remember how I originally found my way to the site 43 Things.  But I was reminded of this fascinating resource recently in Timothy Pychyl's Don't Delay blog on Psychology Today.  (Readers should note also that Dr. Pychyl's new book, The Procrastinator's Digest: A Concise Guide to Solving the Procrastination Puzzle, is now available.  I plan to check it out as soon as I finish the several books I am presently in the middle of.)


Dr. Pychyl identifies 43 Things as an example of folksonomy, ". . .also known," according to Wikipedia, ". . . as collaborative tagging, social classification, social indexing, and social tagging."  Interestingly, 

An empirical analysis of the complex dynamics of tagging systems. . . has shown that consensus around stable distributions and shared vocabularies does emerge, even in the absence of a central controlled vocabulary.

43 Things is a goal listing site--called "43 Things" because 

We think 43 is the right number of things for a busy person to try to do. Why not more? It’s too much. Why not less? You can do less, but it is still called 43 Things. 

The site maintains a list of the 100 most popular goals, resulting from lists submitted by its self-selecting participants.   Pychyl was interested, as was I, to learn that "stop procrastinating" was the second most popular goal, behind #1--"lose weight."


And, even though yesterday's post contained this pearl of wisdom reinforced by my triathlon training--"Avoid comparing your accomplishments with others"--I also couldn't resist measuring my life progress against the 100 "World's Most Popular Goals."  


To begin with, however, I have to quibble that there is some overlap between items on the list, as with, for example "Read more books" (#21) and "Read more" (#35).  Or "Get a tattoo" (#6), "Design my own tattoo" (#74), and "Create my own tattoo" (#93).  Or "Lose weight" (#1), "Lose 20 lbs." (#49), "Lose 10 lbs." (#54), and "Lose 30 lbs." (#63).  Or "Write a book" (#3) and "Write a novel" (#29).  You get the picture.  


A social scientist--one of my previous careers--would "code" the responses, and collapse the categories.  She would probably also group responses, distinguishing between  spiritual/personal development, material, physical/health, and so forth.  One possible grouping of goals would be those particularly relevant to procrastination/time management/organization--the subject matter of this blog.  These would include, of course "Stop procrastinating" (#2), as well as "Wake up when my alarm clock goes off" (#43), "Get organized" (#53), "Spend less time fooling around on the net and more time actually working" (#62), "Finish what I start" (#88), and "Stop wasting time" (#100).  


But it was especially smile-prompting, on this rainy morning, to see how many of the top 100 goals I have already accomplished.  Here's my list:

1. lose weight 38720 people--did it; then gained it back; then lost it again
2. stop procrastinating 28297 people--did it; still doing it
3. write a book 27988 people--doing it
4. Fall in love 25898 people--did it a few times
5. be happy 23322 people--did it; need to do it again
6. Get a tattoo 21521 people
7. drink more water 19995 people--doing it
8. get married 19991 people--did it--twice
9. travel the world 19746 people--some of it
10. go on a road trip with no predetermined destination 19684 people
11. see the northern lights 18015 people
12. Learn Spanish 16526 people--did it; need a refresher
13. Save money 15493 people--did it; need to do more of it
14. Kiss in the rain 15214 people--long ago; and the snow
15. Take more pictures 14863 people--especially since I got a cell phone with a really good camera
16. Make new friends 13486 people--constantly doing it
17. Learn to play the guitar 13380 people--sort of
18. Buy a House 13269 people--did it
19. get a job 11678 people--did it lots
20. get out of debt 11636 people--did it; got back in
21. Read more books 11545 people--(I don't really think I should read more books)
22. run a marathon 11492 people
23. To live instead of exist 11484 people--by what standards?
24. learn french 11412 people
25. Skydive 10955 people
26. exercise regularly 10938 people--doing it
27. be more confident 10887 people--more or less
28. eat healthier 10747 people--doing it (though Happy Hour interferes occasionally with this)
29. write a novel 10244 people--doing it
30. Learn Japanese 10207 people--learned a little
31. get in shape 9835 people--doing it
32. Quit Smoking 9107 people--did it
33. Start my own business 9032 people--did it
34. Learn to cook 8760 people--did it
35. Read more 8287 people--(see #21)
36. learn sign language 8126 people--learned a little
37. have better posture 8109 people--did it
38. travel 8054 people--did it
39. Learn to play the piano 7936 people--did it
40. Swim with dolphins 7819 people
41. Learn to surf 7789 people
42. identify 100 things that make me happy (besides money) 7783 people
43. wake up when my alarm clock goes off 7661 people--doing it
44. visit all 50 states 7548 people
45. stop biting my nails 7402 people
46. decide what the hell I would like to do with the rest of my life 7276 people--working on it
47. Go skydiving 7220 people
48. make a difference 7033 people
49. Lose 20 pounds 6970 people--by having two babies
50. learn to dance 6898 people--did it
51. learn to drive 6630 people--did it
52. graduate from college 6397 people--did it
53. Get organized 6353 people
54. Lose 10 pounds 6221 people--did it
55. Be a better friend 6209 people--working on it
56. Have a baby 6087 people--did it
57. learn italian 6062 people
58. Visit Japan 5784 people
59. Become Financially Independent 5691 people--did it, more or less
60. live passionately 5685 people--working on it
61. create my own website 5674 people--did it
62. Spend less time fooling around on the net and more time actually working 5624 people--working on it
63. Lose 30 pounds 5398 people--did it, by having one of my babies
64. exercise more 5391 people--doing it
65. make more friends 5381 people--doing it
66. get my driver's license 5359 people--did it
67. be more social 5356 people--doing it
68. Volunteer 5253 people--still doing it
69. backpack through Europe 5139 people
70. travel around the world 4891 people
71. learn german 4849 people
72. love myself 4809 people--working on it
73. Worry less. 4769 people--working on it
74. design my own tattoo 4738 people
75. write a song 4691 people--did it
76. learn to play guitar 4582 people--(see #17)
77. learn how to drive stick-shift 4553 people--did it
78. go on a cruise 4445 people
79. meet new people 4322 people--still doing it
80. go to college 4267 people--did it
81. Practice Yoga 4260 people--still doing it
82. Get more sleep 4251 people--working on it
83. meditate daily 4169 people--doing it
84. Stop caring what other people think of me 4158 people--working on it
85. Never stop learning 4067 people--still doing it
86. get a dog 4038 people--did it, three times
87. sleep under the stars 4023 people--did it
88. Finish what I start 4015 people--working on it
89. Learn another language 3985 people--did it
90. Send a message in a bottle 3953 people
91. win the lottery 3931 people
92. learn to sew 3872 people--did it
93. create my own tattoo 3825 people
94. figure out what i want to do with my life 3819 people--working on it
95. design my own clothes 3818 people
96. be a better person 3785 people--working on it
97. grow my hair long 3776 people--did it
98. watch Grey's Anatomy 3731 people--did it
99. Go on a road trip 3730 people--did it, a few times
100. stop wasting time 3724 people--still working on it

Apparently, I have been more productive, or at least more "popular," than I knew.  And just think. . . I could check off five more if I designed/created my own tattoo, after skydiving.