Done for the Week: These Little Lights of Mine

Did I mention that there are only 15 days, 13 hours, and some amount of minutes and seconds (depending on how long it takes me to complete this post and get it up) until the Winter Solstice--that nadir of light toward which we are inexorably headed, and which I am looking forward to being on the other side of?  [Note to spouse, who will be reading this from halfway around the world:  We will be attending a Solstice Service the night you return.  So rest up!]

I have been working on befriending the darkness, and my partnerless state this past week.  Of course, the downside is that I expose myself to the possibility of missing these two formerly dreaded conditions once they are gone.  I am reminded of the first two of Buddha's Four Noble Truths.  1. Life means suffering; and 2. The origin of suffering is attachment.  So I guess I'm right on track, complicating things by trying to escape suffering.

While I've been engaged in this particular "stupid human trick," I got an astonishingly (to me) long list of admittedly not world-changing things done.

Done for the Week:  Nov. 29-Dec. 5

1. Continued off-season race training; ran once, biked 4 times 
2. Succeeded in getting one son to gym with me once
3. Finished A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Future: Twists and Turns and Lessons Learned, by Michael J. Fox 
4. Continued reading The Zen Path Through Depression, by Philip Martin, and Undoing Perpetual Stress: The Missing Connection Between Depression, Anxiety, and 21st Century Illness, by Richard O'Connor; Baking Cakes in Kigali, by Gaile Parkin.  Discontinued reading Barbara Kingsolver's The Lacuna
5. Continued support of transitioning not-for-profit organization--continuing to taper off
6. Worked my two part-time jobs
7. Published 5 blog posts
8. Meditated 5 times
9. Wrote 4 Gratitude Journal entries
10. Wrote 3 Morning Pages
11. Spent 3-1/2 hours working on my novel
12. Attended church
13. Participated in more frustrating transcontinental skype calls with absent spouse; one less frustrating one after his hosts fixed their internet connection
14. Attended 2 yoga classes
15. Took my sons out for (nonalcoholic) Happy Hour
16. Babysat my grandson one evening
17. Watched our two favorite basketball teams play 4 games, with son 
18. Purchased new outdoor lights, which my aesthetically astute son put up
19. Found working wall clock at Goodwill, to replace broken one in family room
20. Purchased replacement headlamp for my car, which my mechanically-inclined son installed
21. Ordered and received new "touchless" kitchen trash can--which my dog can't outfox-- to replace old no-longer-working one
22. Spent hours almost mastering new (to me) web design feature
23. Worked on straightening sun/dining room
24. Survived second week with absent spouse
25. Saw my therapist
26. Cleaned bathroom sink
27. Straightened living room
28. Did laundry
29. Coordinated dinner preparation by sons (yay!)
30. Played my wounded piano several hours, over the course of the week
31. Purchased nosebleed seats for my son and me to see H.M.S. Pinafore
32. Purchased and sent senior-friendly cell phone as birthday and Christmas gift for my mom
33. Accomplished significant progress as employment counselor/placement specialist for two unemployed sons

This past week saw the return of my attempt to focus my efforts.  Highlighted in green above is evidence of my need to do so.  I had intended to meditate daily, but managed only five sessions on the cushion.  The hitch seems to be scheduling.  I found myself, on several days, running out of day before I ran out of planned tasks, including meditation.  On some of these days, I forced myself to sit just before going to bed.  Late night basketball games that needed to be watched meant that bedtime on these occasions was already too late to get adequate sleep before early morning commitments.  Less than ideal circumstances for keeping my attention on my breath.  Similarly, I struggled to get to the gym by the end of the day, squeezing this important anti-stress measure into my last hours of consciousness and working it around other commitments, mealtimes, gym closing times, etc.

I think I am experiencing a variant of my old procrastination habits, where I build suspense, or juice, or something, by putting off important things to the point that their achievement is in jeopardy.  This week, my focus goal will be to put first things, if not first, at least earlier in the day.  Oh, and to figure out what those first things might be, on any given day. 

With all of the items crammed onto the list this week, it may strike the reader as strange that I identify item #18, "Purchased new outdoor lights, which my aesthetically astute son put up," as my most important accomplishment.  Though it may be seen as merely symbolic, it is consonant with my "believing" project.  (See recent posts, Belief Control--My Take, and Believe--The Musical.)  Having the lights up, shining through the dark, glinting off the snow, gives me hope; the kind my minister referred to yesterday as "courageous hope," not to be confused with optimism with its denial of difficulty, but acting in the face of all that is hard.  "Knowing full well. . .," but doing it anyway.  As in a real but metaphorical story she recounted, it is my "cello playing in Sarajevo," though clearly my challenges don't rise to the level of Vedran Smailovic's.

The closing words of yesterday's service, used also to conclude my most recent yoga class, were these:

May the long time Sun shine upon you, 

All love surround you. 

And the pure light within you, 

Guide your way on.

Done for the Week: Groping My Way Through the Tunnel

As I look over the list below, it appears to have been a busy week. And yet I found more time to sit outside in the sun, which was important, since the waning light is having an impact on me and on my housemate children, who share my predisposition to SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder).  

As I struggled with depression--mine, and theirs--here's what I got done:

Done for the Week:  Nov. 22-28

1.  Continued off-season race training; ran twice, biked twice
2. Finished Great House, by Nicole Krauss  
3. Began reading The Zen Path Through Depression, by Philip Martin, and Undoing Perpetual Stress:  The Missing Connection Between Depression, Anxiety, and 21st Century Illness, by Richard O'Connor
4. Continued support of transitioning not-for-profit organization--continuing to taper off
5. Worked my two part-time jobs
6. Published 5 blog posts
7.  Meditated 3 times
8.  Wrote 7 Gratitude Journal entries
9. Wrote 5 Morning Pages
10. Spent 2 hours working on my novel
11. Attended rally to save high-speed rail and jobs in my state
12. Attended city award presentation for friends and colleagues
13. Participated in several frustrating transcontinental skype calls with absent spouse
14. Attended 1 yoga class, on Thanksgiving Day, for which I was very thankful
15. Walked my dog three times, once with each son
16. Fed and walked my daughter's dog during her two-day out of state trip
17. Watched our two favorite basketball teams play 2  games, with son 
18. Travelled to my sister's for Thanksgiving dinner 
19. Spent time outside, reading and writing, some part of six days
20.  Ordered and received new microwave, to replace old crumbling one
21. Cleaned kitchen counters in celebration
22. Survived first week with absent spouse
23. Cleaned bathroom vanity counter
24.  Straightened and vacuumed living room
25. Did laundry
26. Paid mortgage my husband left the country without paying
27. Shopped for and cooked Thanksgiving soup with my sons
28. Took one of my depressed sons and my depressed self out to dinner, which cheered us both 
29. Watched funny movie with my son

The regular reader will notice the absence of green highlighting from the list above.  This is because last week was an experiment in "focuslessness."  As I had hoped, the lack of structured goals seems to have contributed to a bit more relaxed state, given the already busy and nonroutine holiday week.  For the immediate future, I plan to return to using a focus goal, but to quell the tendency to splinter that focus by having multiple and secondary offshoots--which kind of defeats the purpose, yes?

In my view, the most important achievement of this previous week, in red text, was exercising four times.  Because my mood is becoming problematic, and interacts in a distressing feedback loop with those of my depression-prone offspring, it is crucial that I do what I can to keep from sliding into the depths.  In the past year, as in other difficult times in my life, I have found that exercise can be counted on to provide significant, albeit temporary relief from stress and distress.  

One of the books I am currently reading--Richard O'Connor's Undoing Perpetual Stress-- recounts in readable form what brain research demonstrates about the damage modern life is doing to our limbic system, in particular.  In later chapters, O'Connor addresses the issue of what we can do to restore our emotional resilience.  Of course, I skipped ahead to learn that the two cornerstones of his recommended approach are exercise and meditation.  He advises a half hour of each daily.  

As my done lists reveal, I am not there yet.  I'm not sure how realistic it is to set aside the requisite hour per day (even with O'Connor's reluctant allowance that we might relax this standard slightly, by taking a day off on the weekend).  So I am thinking more of a ramping strategy, maintaining my current exercise level while trying harder to make/find/take time for meditating.  For the coming week, my singular focus goal is to meditate daily.

And in the meantime, I will try to keep on keepin' on, to continue putting one foot in front of the other, and all that aphoristic jazz--until the light returns.

Done for the Week: By the Light of a Bull Moose Jack-o-Lantern

Any week spent with a delighted child, new to the rituals of holidays and celebrations, can't be all bad.  Last week, my favorite three-year-old provided a much-needed antidote to the crabbiness that permeated my household.  His pterosaur crest was an engineering challenge, his pumpkin was carved "like a bull moose," his "trick or treat" was delivered with a shout.  And he towed his Nana and his uncle, who was dressed as a large tree monster, along from door to door with glee.  He was the irrepressible sunshine in a gray and windy stretch.

The list below would undoubtedly be shorter if not for his infectious energy.  

Done for the Week:  Oct. 25-31

1. Continued off-season race training, in race-recovery mode; ran once, biked once
2. Finished No Time to Wave Goodbye, by Jacqueline Mitchard
3. Continued significant support to transitioning nonprofit organization
4. Worked my two part-time jobs
5. Published 5 blog posts
6. Meditated 4 times
7. Wrote 4 Gratitude Journal entries
8. Wrote 4 Morning Pages
9. Spent 4 hours working on my novel
10. Continued reading aloud Elizabeth George's In Pursuit of the Proper Sinner with my husband; went to Happy Hour, and to see Waiting for Superman
11. Attended 2 yoga classes
12. Began teaching my teenage son yoga
13. Walked my dog twice
14. Cleaned my bedroom
15. Bribed my sons to clean their bedrooms
16. Ordered new appliances to replace two on their last legs--in time for free delivery offer (expiring Oct. 31)
17. Took grandson to preschool Halloween party; stayed for parade, and filmed it for working parents
18. Straightened and vacuumed living room
19. Put a noticeable dent in laundry pile
20. Went trick-or-treating with pterosaur grandson (refrained from tricking or being treated myself)
21. Saw my therapist
22. Attended forum on city job-creation strategy
23. Attended fund-raising committee meeting

Last week's most important accomplishment, in my opinion, was ordering new appliances to replace the ones currently beeping and fading in my kitchen--in red above.  This was significant because it is one of those things I have been putting off due to my inability to make a decision, given all the complex factors involved.  It feels good to have finally pulled this particular trigger, and to have done so just in time to save a little money on delivery.  Each time I succeed in acting on something like this I imagine my postponement/inertia monkey losing a little power.

Last week's focus goal, which I met, was to spend 4 hours on my novel.  I now have approximately 50 pages completed.  Next week's focus goal will remain the same, until this becomes well-established.  At this rate, I should have a not-so-excellent draft finished sometime next spring.  And then I can call in the internal editor, the hatchet woman, the one I've got locked in the closet for now.

My secondary focus once again was on exercising, meditating and cleaning.  The plan was to meditate 4 times (check); exercise 4 times (busyness and post-race fatigue and, yes, a little laziness meant that I exercised only twice); catch up on the laundry (didn't quite make it, but I made some progress, and intend to keep on feeding the machines and shoving the output into drawers and closets and out the door, in the case of rejects); and clean one room (check).  Not too bad for a week with a houseful of mood-swinging men.

Next week, I will try to meditate more regularly; exercise 4 times; keep hacking away at the laundry; and get the kitchen ready for the new appliances to be installed.

And to spend as much time as possible relishing the threatened daylight of this last week of Daylight Saving Time.  And appreciating my very own ray, that sweet and happy little guy whose verve isn't rationed or manipulated by government forces.

Soakin' Up the Sun

I have been in desperate need of a change of venue lately, longing for the days last spring that I spent outside, on my corner bench, reading, journaling, writing, meditating.  But my recent "schedule" has involved zipping from one engagement to the next.  No time for the sun, outside of the sandbox.  Not that I don't enjoy the sandbox.  Or I should say sandboxes, since my grandson and I make the rounds of several in our neighborhood.  But while these visits do offer endless opportunities for imaginative play, what with building of theme parks and pretend chomping of various gritty concoctions, they are not especially reflection-friendly.  


This afternoon, I seized a several-hour space on my calendar which didn't involve leaving home, and defended it against several latecomer requests.  My reward is this peaceful period calmly restoring my frayed nerves.  Sheryl Crow is singing in the back of my head.


I'm gonna soak up the sun
Gonna tell everyone
To lighten up (I'm gonna tell 'em that)
I've got no one to blame
For every time I feel lame
I'm looking up
I'm gonna soak up the sun


Before I return to the grind, I'm going to make another appointment for solar therapy.  


I'm gonna soak up the sun
While it's still free
I'm gonna soak up the sun
Before it goes out on me


As winter approaches, I am thinking of storing up light, as the squirrels scramble for nuts.  We will both need the energy in the months to come.