Getting Around to Me

There's a whole self-care industry out there, competing for our attention with all the other fads and crazes.  But I'm starting to learn that maybe, just maybe, there's a reason for the pendulum to swing in this direction, in this time in our communal history.  Maybe, just maybe, this whole thing goes a little deeper than hula hoops and pet rocks.  Deeper, even, than body art!


The common analogy that we hear is that of a passenger on an airplane, who is instructed, in the event of an emergency, to put on her own oxygen mask before helping others traveling with her--even her children!


I am coming to the recognition that my plane has been stalling out for years, and that I'm still gasping for air.  I've been rushing around affixing so many masks to the faces of so many others for so long that my breathless and exhausted "emergency" state feels normal.  And what's more, if we listen to the common cultural refrains, this kind of stress is "a woman thing."


Suddenly, my body and my mind are telling me that this is not something I can get away with putting off any longer.  It is time I take what I've heard and read out of my head and into my life.  Though I can spout a good self-care line with the best of them, I seem to have some kind of relaxation disability that has thus far not been accommodated.  And I can't look to others to help me deal with this.  There is no I.E.P. (Individual Education Plan) for us stressaholics.  Though a 12-step program might be a good idea. Or here's an idea--relaxation boot camp!


Anyway, for today I am making two self-care commitments.  First, I am going to make every effort to stop "talking trash" to and about myself.  And secondly, I am going to try to stop approaching every task, as my mother says, "like I'm killing snakes."  With all the yoga and meditation I am squeezing into my life, and all the exercise I am doing, these two problem behaviors appear to be part of why I am still so stressed.  Basically, the watchword is self-acceptance, or what Buddhist teacher Pema calls maitri.

Maitri is translated in a lot of ways, maybe most commonly as love, but the way Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche [Chödrön's teacher] translated it was unconditional friendliness and in particular unconditional friendliness to oneself. 

 Doesn't seem like so much to ask.

A Basic Middle Way To Do List for Difficult Days

The last week or so has been kind of a tough time.  And I'm anticipating a bit more of the same.  When things get harder, I am tempted to veer to one of two extremes.  Either I load up my to-do list and try to power my way through.  Or I take to the couch.  (Not my bed, of course.  That would be just too depressing!)


Seems like a good time to reflect on the Middle Way.  

And what, monks, is the Middle Way realized by the Thus-Come-One, which gives vision and understanding, which leads to calm, penetration, enlightenment, to Nirvana?

It is just this Noble Eightfold Path, namely: Right View, Right Intention, Right Speech, Right Action, Right Livelihood, Right Effort, Right Mindfulness, and Right Concentration. – The Buddha, Dhammacakkappavattana Sutta

Gary of Buddha Space, writing on the Middle Way for--oddly enough--The Middle Way, tells us that

According to the Buddha, the Middle Way is a life lived between the extremes of self-denial and self-indulgence. Neither hedonist nor ascetic are to be imitated, for the Noble Eightfold Path weaves its way through life avoiding both these unenlightened lifestyles. 

This Noble Eightfold Path, set out for his monks by Siddhartha Gautama more than 2500 years ago, is deceptively simple.  Inherent to its meaning are the precepts of balance, acceptance and mindfulness.  


Since I am not the Buddha, nor do I play one on TV, I struggle to wrap my 21st-century cluttered mind around his wisdom.  But the guidance I receive this morning, whether the intended understanding or not, is that I need to keep going, but to do so gently, and without judgement, at this time.


And so here is my pared-down to do list, for difficult times:


1.  Keep breathing
2.  Fulfill necessary obligations (work, family responsibilities) to the extent possible
3.  Meditate
4.  Get some exercise
5.  Sleep
6.  Clean something
7.  Read something
8.  Write something
9.  Be kind to someone
10.  Eat something healthful and good-tasting


For today, that is enough.  

Procrastinating 101: Slower Sounds Good to Me About Now

This week's Procrastinating 101 post will be short and, I hope, sweet.  Here, I will pass along the wisdom of Marshall J. Cook's Slow Down. . .and get More Done, Chapter Two:  "Can you really manage time?"  

Cook begins the chapter advising the reader to learn "when to control" and "when to let go."  He offers a portrait of one stressed out "clock-racer," whose life leaves little time even for loving.  (And my sons call me a hyper chihuahua on crack!)  He suggests we ask "Lakein's question"--referring to a modern father of time management, Alan Lakein, whose How to Get Control of Your Time and Your Life is a classic in the field--"What's the best use of my time right now."  Because, says Cook, "the clock-racer books and tapes that followed Lakein," and the toys and tools that were supposed to bring us under control, have not helped.  

. . .[m]ost of us still feel no more in control of our lives than before.  Instead we feel wrung out, strung out and stressed out.  What we don't feel is good.  We still have too much to do, and we don't feel satisfied with what we're doing.  We're so busy, we don't even remember what we might like to do, if only we had the time.  We schedule instead of live.  Who has time to feel or think? [p. 21]

In response, and as a frame for the rest of his book, Cook offers these six fundamental principles for passionate, productive living:

1. The first principle, which surpasses all principles and can set you free:  You get to decide how you spend your time.
2. Telephones, faxes and beepers are tools, not forces of nature.
3. Make possibilities, not plans.
4. Give yourself a break.
5. Whenever possible, put it off.
6. Don't spent time, save time, or wate time.  Live.

He has more to say about these principles, of course, but for today, I will stop here.  Cook invites us to make our own principles, and to revise as necessary.  I think he's on to something.

Done for the Week: Still Training After All These Weeks

Last week was a trying one, mainly because of the time spent on anxiety.  For anyone who hasn't had that particular thrill, it amounts to a lot of time feeling lousy.  In between minor out-of-the-blue terror attacks (terror, not terrorist),  I exercised, ate small frequent meals, failed at sleeping, and worked at not biting the heads off the people I love and live with.  Not my most productive period.  But if I am to believe some of those writing about my time of life, this experience can be seen as an opportunity to "finally, really grow up," to "awaken to my life's purpose," and to "let everything become my teacher."


Despite the lofty promises of its outcome, I can't say I'm really enjoying this course.  However, I did manage to get the following done last week:


Done List--Week of July 26-Aug. 1

1.  Finished Week 11 of revised 14-week Sprint Triathlon training plan--3 weeks to go!
2.  Continued assembling tri gear
3.  Finished The Comforts of a Muddy Saturday, by Alexander McCall Smith; Sabbath:  Finding Rest, Renewal, and Delight in Our Busy   Lives,  by Wayne Muller; When We Were Romans, by Matthew Kneale
4.  Spent time dealing with effects of medication change--extra resting  
5.  Continued my two part-time paying jobs
6.  Published 5 blog posts
7.  Meditated 5 times
8.  Wrote 5 Gratitude Journal entries
9.  Wrote 5 Morning Pages
10.  Continued cleaning campaign
11.  Continued mini yoga practice 
12.  Attended 1 yoga class
13.  Took my husband away for his birthday weekend; read, slept, biked, relaxed, walked; continued    reading aloud Elizabeth George's Deception on His Mind                                   

In red above is last week's most important accomplishment, something I've been putting off for far too long.  Unfortunately, my anxiety came along for the ride, but I did manage to leave my teenagers without the obsessive worrying I have experienced, and all too often for good reason, in the past.  A watershed event of our late parenthood.  And something to be repeated soon.

Last week's focus goal, and my focus goal for the next three weeks, was/is to continue training and preparing mentally for the triathlon, in three weeks.   On Sunday, I arrived home from our weekend away to find that my Size XS wetsuit had arrived--but not at my house.  UPS had delivered it to a neighbor, and I had received his King Size something-or-other.  We made the trade, so now I am ready to join a group of tremulous initiates at my first open water swim clinic on Tuesday evening.  (I don't know where my neighbor will be with his package.)  I am trying out "gels," which are little foil packets of quick energy food--something like an astronaut might relish, I imagine--and have tested my new "hydration system"--a Camelback water bottle held in a mesh sack suspended by a strap across my front, which allows me to drink while biking, without falling off.  

My times are holding fairly steady, around the tortoise mark, but my endurance is still increasing.  On Saturday, I will receive instruction in setting up for transitions (T1 from swim to bike, and T2 from bike to run) at an all-day triathlon prep camp.  I am awaking at night with visions of lining up with my wave at the race start, and refusing to get into the water.  I train, and rest, and talk about the tri.  I am enjoying the process less, and starting to feel the shortening countdown.  

Striving to reach this goal is like nothing I've ever done before.  The biggest thing to work on at this point is my head.  I am trying to come up with visualizations (one I encountered is thinking of fear as a balloon that you've held tied to your wrist since childhood, and of letting it go, blowing it away as you breathe through the events, up and away like those balloons I've seen released at funerals. . . . Oops!  Skip that last part.).  And mantras.  My daughter suggested modeling Stuart Smalley's affirmations (performed by SNL's now U.S. Senator Al Franken)--"I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and, doggonit, people like me."  But that's just silly.  I came up with "I'm strong enough, I've trained enough, and gosh darnit, people like me."


But enough about the tri.  I'm late for a training run.