Nothing is so fatiguing as the eternal hanging on of an uncompleted task. ~William James

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Outfitting the Compleat Procrastinator

I am constantly amazed at the scope of the cottage industry that is procrastination.  Those of us whose personal "branding" embraces delay as a key feature--and who wish to celebrate and display this identity--can find an endless supply of products designed just for this purpose.

For example, there is the"Department of Continual Procrastination" Teddy Bear, available from Cafe Press--a small stuffed white bear sporting a t-shirt printed with this fictional department's impress.  Or the button bearing this inspiring saying:  "Yeah, yeah.  Carpe Whenever."  Or for those concerned with a legacy of putting things off, baby blankets (!) printed with slogans ranging from "Born to be Late," to "I'm So Far Behind, I Thought I Was First!," to "Let the Procrastination Begin. . . (Tomorrow)."

On the somewhat gruesome side, we find a clock with hands but no numbers, which float over the legend "As a chronically depressed procrastinator, I frequently consider suicide, but  luckily, I never get around to it."  A more optimistic option:  a clock which makes a virtue of our vice with the motto "The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up."

And how about an irresistible mouse pad which advertises "Procrastination?  It's CRACK for Writers"?  Or dinner party invitations emblazoned with the imperative "Impeach Lincoln," and purporting to come from the "Southern Society of Political Procrastinators"?  Of course, these might save the day for the serious procrastinator who feels duty bound to throw a party, but isn't any more likely to pull that off than to complete other life projects.  Such a dubious invite would surely discourage guests from actually accepting.

For those of us who want other drivers to be aware of our distinguished slacker status, there are bumper stickers.  Like the one that announces "I Put 'Pro' in Procrastinator."  Alternatively, we can put those sharing the road with us on notice that  "I Never Finish Anyth. . . "   Or we can brag that "Procrastinators do it . . . . . . . . . . . . Eventually."

With throw pillows ("I'm Pro Crastination"), aprons ("I'm not wasting time, I'm a structured procrastinator"), coasters ("I don't procrastinate.  I just have different priorities.") and Christmas ornaments ("This is the earliest I've ever been late!"), our home decor can declare our laggard status.

Even Fido can get into the act, with a pet bowl ("Tomorrow I'll quit procrastinating").  And we can flaunt our procrastinating credo in yoga class with a "Procrastinate Now" yoga mat.  (Which would explain my too-frequent late arrivals.)

We can procrastinate in hats and pajamas, in t-shirts and while chugging caffeine.  We can sip from a procrastination water bottle as we run, belatedly or otherwise. 

Is it just me, or is this getting out of hand?

If you've been following along, we've just spent about  $357.64, + shipping, on the accoutrements of our trade.  We look either awful darn cute and clever, or eccentric, or pathetic and ludicrous, depending on one's tolerance level for endless slightly amusing takes on putting stuff off.  And we've now invested in this arguably dysfunctional way of life.

What's wrong with this picture?

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