Nothing is so fatiguing as the eternal hanging on of an uncompleted task. ~William James

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Day 8 and Counting...

I got up too late today.  On purpose.  The second consecutive night of sketchy sleep, interrupted by internal thermostat issues compounded by obsessive global worrying, has rendered me achy, foggy, and edgy.  In college, I could pull all-nighters with less penalty.  As a "groan-up," I have come to expect this sucked-out feeling to follow sleep struggles, and learned not to expect too much of myself on these days.

That said, yesterday's manifesto-of-a-post hangs over me this morning, and demands perseverance.

The part of me that has internalized failure in my efforts to achieve personal reform waits for me to abandon this new enterprise.  As a talisman, I hold in my mind Mary Engelbreit's iconic image of a magical Santa approaching a chimney under the banner "BELIEVE."  And I try to.

My cynical self asks what difference it makes, to me or to anyone, if I continue to blog about trying to do what I intend to do, including blogging about....  You get the picture.  My rah-rah Nike self answers that "Just Do[ing] It" is of value, in itself.  And urges me to get on with it.  And I note that having posted, and attempted to puncture, my favorite excuses has not yet robbed them of their power, not yet filled in the rut in the bed I've made and furrowed by habitual positions.  (And now my cursed internal editor is complaining about a confusion of metaphors in this last sentence, given the bed reference in the blog name and the giant tree-bed image looming over this page.  To which my poet persona replies that this could be seen as language play, and all good.)  Apparently, sleep deprivation puts one at risk for multiple personality disorder (Dissociate Identity Disorder to the DSM-IV-TR* crowd--interestingly, referred to in acronym form as DID; "split personality" to the soap opera audience).

For today, I am listening most fervently to the better angels in this cacophonous debate.  And so, whatever the merits, I will "Just [Post] It."  And live to post again.

*Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders:  DSM-IV-TR, published by the American Psychiatric Association.  July 2000.

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