Nothing is so fatiguing as the eternal hanging on of an uncompleted task. ~William James

Monday, November 7, 2011

Done for the Last Two Weeks: Having Hit the Wall

One of the blessings of this blog has been the (admittedly not vast) "public" accountability for the way I run my life, which is built into these weekly done lists.
And one of the curses of this blog has been the (thankfully not vast) "public" accountability for the way I stumble while running my life.

This post's title blares last week's missing update. The story behind the story is some serious back pedaling.  The major dose of "good mother" behavior which dominated the last several weeks seems to have resulted in a tantrum-like reaction, in which I found myself unable/unwilling to do anything that a) was optional, and b) required any sort of initiative on my part.

I've decided to think of it as a self-correction.  This designation seems like the shortest path back to what I think of as "my work."  And that includes, but is not limited to, this blog.

Done for the Last Two Weeks:  Oct. 24-Nov. 6, 2011
  1. Ran three times, swam once
  2. Picked up new wetsuit
  3. Attended last Run Better class with Trifaster's Lauren Jensen
  4. Read The Farming of Bones, by Edwidge Danticat; Mothers and Other Liars, by Amy Bourret
  5. Continued to work my two part-time jobs
  6. Published 1 blog post
  7. Continued significant work on current clients' projects
  8. Continued to give nearly full-time support to my daughter and her family as they coped with early arrival of their baby, and my daughter's continuing health problems
  9. Helped my son complete loan papers for school
  10. Went out for three happy hours with my husband
  11. Watched second and third episodes of Boss with my husband
  12. Did laundry
  13. Watched the first two entire seasons of The Good Wife, in an act of utter escapism
  14. Continued reading Elizabeth George's A Traitor to Memory aloud with my husband
  15. Straightened out nagging bill issues
  16. Attended a special meeting on organization's proposed by-laws amendments
  17. Vacuumed several dogs worth of hair off our living room carpet--AGAIN
  18. Took my grandson to his swimming lesson
  19. Straightened, vacuumed, and dusted our bedroom
  20. Reset several clocks and watches back to Standard Time
In between sessions of self-indulgence, I continued to spend significant--though decreasing--amounts of time during the last two weeks helping my daughter and her family deal with the demands and difficulties of her medically complicated postpartum period and the needs of her preemie infant in a Level III NICU miles away. 

And this was still my most important accomplishment.  My daughter is beginning to recover, and my new granddaughter is doing well.  The baby has not yet decided to move beyond passive nourishment, however, which keeps her from coming home for the time being.  And so for now, and for the foreseeable future, Nana-ing remains Job 1.

As part of coping with the stresses of this interval,  my focus goal, from two weeks ago, was to "resume meditating.  Period."   And to show for this?  Another epic fail.  Although I know that meditating is an important element of self-care for me, and a major contributor to the effort to depression-proof my life, I managed to avoid the cushion altogether for the last two weeks.  Part of the tantrum, it would seem.

For the coming week, I am setting a more flexible focus goal, to accommodate the continuing unpredictability of my schedule and my current incorrigible nature.  I am committing myself to practice positive, non self-indulgent self-care, in whatever form I can.  I'll know it when I see it.

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