Putting Myself to Bed

Painting by Anuraag Fulay

After several decades of giving it short shrift--and what is shrift, anyway?--I am finally learning to appreciate sleep.  


To digress, it seems the second definition of "short shrift" is the one we are used to.  The first is a bit more interesting, and more clearly relies on the meaning of the archaic word "shrift," which refers to penance and confession:
short shrift

 

–noun

1.

a brief time for confession or absolution given to acondemned prisoner before his or her execution.

2.

little attention or consideration in dealing with a person or matter: to give short shrift to an opponent's arguments.

Origin: 
1585–95  [Dictionary.com]

But back to sleep.  (Where I wish I could go!)

After a nearly two-week-long bout of three hours or less of sleep a night, I am creeping back in the direction of my "normal" sleep cycle.  And I have started to sleep without a light on, for the first time in my memory.  I am not afraid of the dark, but have been reading myself to sleep since I could read.  I generally fall asleep with the light on.  When I awaken during the night, as I often do, I resume reading.  For the past few nights, I have been using a countdown timer which shuts the light off after a predetermined interval.  I've been setting it for one hour.  Now when I awaken at 1 or 2 or 3 a.m., the room is dark, and I am finding it easier to go back to sleep.  I have also been using an mp3 of the sound of ocean waves, which loops throughout the night, and blocks out some of the noises of adolescent males roaming through the house in their own struggles with sleep.

In celebration of sleep, I present these quotes, followed by gleanings from Australia's  National Sleep Research Project's "40 Amazing Facts About Sleep."

10 Sleep Quotes

1. Many things--such as loving, going to sleep, or behaving unaffectedly--are done worst when we try hardest to do them. ~ C.S. Lewis 
2. Sleep is the best meditation. ~ the Dalai Lama 
3. How do people go to sleep? I'm afraid I've lost the knack. I might try busting myself smartly over the temple with the nightlight. I might repeat to myself, slowly and soothingly, a list of quotations beautiful from minds profound; if I can remember. ~ Dorothy Parker 
4. Sleeping is no mean art: for its sake one must stay awake all day. ~ Friedrich Nietzsche
5. If you can't sleep, then get up and do something instead of lying there worrying. It's the worry that gets you, not the lack of sleep. ~ Dale Carnegie
6. No day is so bad it can't be fixed with a nap. ~ Carrie Snow
7. Sleep that knits up the ravelled sleave of care/ The death of each day's life, sore labour's bath/ Balm of hurt minds, great nature's second course,/ Chief nourisher in life's feast. ~ William Shakespeare, Macbeth
8. A good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures in the doctor's book. ~ Irish Proverb
9. Sleep is a symptom of caffeine deprivation. ~ Author Unknown
10. A ruffled mind makes a restless pillow. ~ Charlotte Brontë

10 Interesting Facts About Sleep

1. One of the best predictors of insomnia later in life is the development of bad habits from having sleep disturbed by young children.
2. REM dreams are characterised by bizarre plots, but non-REM dreams are repetitive and thought-like, with little imagery - obsessively returning to a suspicion you left your mobile phone somewhere, for example.
3. Elephants sleep standing up during non-REM sleep, but lie down for REM sleep.
4. Scientists have not been able to explain a 1998 study showing a bright light shone on the backs of human knees can reset the brain's sleep-wake clock.
5. Seventeen hours of sustained wakefulness leads to a decrease in performance equivalent to a blood alcohol-level of 0.05%.
6. Exposure to noise at night can suppress immune function even if the sleeper doesn’t wake. Unfamiliar noise, and noise during the first and last two hours of sleep, has the greatest disruptive effect on the sleep cycle.
7. Tiny luminous rays from a digital alarm clock can be enough to disrupt the sleep cycle even if you do not fully wake. The light turns off a "neural switch" in the brain, causing levels of a key sleep chemical to decline within minutes.
8. Some studies suggest women need up to an hour's extra sleep a night compared to men, and not getting it may be one reason women are much more susceptible to depression than men.
9. Feeling tired can feel normal after a short time. Those deliberately deprived of sleep for research initially noticed greatly the effects on their alertness, mood and physical performance, but the awareness dropped off after the first few days.
10. The extra-hour of sleep received when clocks are put back at the start of daylight in Canada has been found to coincide with a fall in the number of road accidents.

I also refer the reader to Gretchen Rubin's "Tips to Get Good Sleep," and her reminder that sleep is important for good health, for productivity, and, of course, for happiness.  Wow, after all this contemplation of sleep, I can't wait for bedtime.

Calling in "Sick"

If I had the kind of job where anyone would notice, I'd think about calling in sick today.  Not because I feel particularly unwell.  In fact, other than some post-heavy-exercise stiffness, I'm in a pretty good place at the moment.  I just don't feel like getting back on the conveyor belt that has become my life in recent weeks.  So I'm fantasizing that I am back in a time when I had one job, with regular hours, and a place to report to on a daily basis.  And that there is someone to call, to express my intention to take a break.


My son who attends online high school has spoken about missing the structure he railed against when he was in a non-virtual school.  Not because it helped to organize his days and his work, but because of his fond memories of the relief of breaking the routine on occasion.  Snow days were useful in the same way.  And it's hard to get snowed out of your computer.


In my endless poking around on the internet that has become my "office," as well as my playground, social scene, and household assistant, I came across this handy little site called the Sickday Excuse Generator.  If I did have someone to call, and if I were okay with lying--which I'm not--this prevaricating tool could provide me with an excuse to proffer in exchange for approved time off.  Unless, of course, a doctor's note was required.  


In the space of about fifteen seconds, a visit to the site this morning generated this list of possible excuses:

• I cracked a tooth last night.
• I'm recovering from food poisoning.
• My stigmata's acting up.
• I'm having an asthma attack.
• I sprained my ankle.
• I lost my contacts and cannot see.
• My arthritis flared up.
• I have a fever.
• Today is irritable bowel day for me.

I could also download a "Sounds of Sickness" 8 minute audio loop of sniffles, sneezes and coughs to use the day before calling in, to prepare my boss and coworkers for my "illness;" download an iPhone app from the Absentee Toolkit Page; and get advice to use when calling in, as well as signs I'm calling in sick too often--like "Your boss asks you to create a detailed manual describing exactly how to do what you do at work."

But while this little daydream is diverting, I guess I'll just have to suck it up, like many of us 21st century workers, and recognize that I am the boss of me, and I'm not likely to fall for any of this.  I can, however, indulge another vision and be the kind of progressive and benevolent employer who recognizes the waxing and waning rhythms of human energy.  So without manufacturing some bogus malady, I can make today an easier one and build in some relief.  A side benefit is that I don't have to miss out on scheduled things I enjoy, and look forward to, just to avoid the yucky stuff.

And, really, given all the trouble I have been having with that stigmata, it seems only right.

Procrastinating 101: Taking Off the Mask

Chapter 3 of Marshall J. Cook's Slow Down . . . and get More Done is entitled "Finding Your Own Truth."  In its introductory paragraphs, Cook tells us that the "two major time-snatchers" are worry--the subject of his Chapter 4 and my next week's Procrastinating 101 post--and "the creation and maintenance of a persona or public self."


In focusing on the energy we expend behaving "acceptably," as we've been taught, Cook is prodding us to examine more deeply our issues with "productivity."  If we haven't allowed our true selves and desires to bubble up, to peek out from behind the masks we wear even for ourselves, efficiency and time management are beside the point.  


But where, and how do we find our true selves, and what we want to be doing?  First of all, we need to acknowledge this wisdom expressed by Nietzsche:

This is my way.  What is your way?  The way doesn't exist.  

Cook says that the real self is already present, that

. . . you need only let it emerge.  Take off the mask.  Stop pretending.  Be what you are.  Set your own standards.  Strip your life of any object or action that is false to your true self, that clutters and complicates your life and separates you from your true impulses.

 Lest we underestimate the work involved in dismantling the "acceptable" self, he reminds us that

[i]t won't be easy, especially at first.  The longer you've responded as your masked self, the more automatic those reponses have become.  Your first thought will be the one you were taught to have.  Your first impulse will be the acceptable impulse, the "right" behavior, the desire you've learned to let yourself have. . . .

Listen to the inner self.  It may babble and howl at the moon at first.  Be patient.  After all, you've kept it bound and gagged in the basement for a long time.  Gradually it will calm down and speak the truth.

Cook advises us to move peacefully beyond the battle we've been waging against our suppressed thoughts, impulses and desires.  And to "find the power in the pause."

You may have lost your true self in noise and motion, which create the illusion of progress.  You won't discover your inner voice until you still the other voices inside and outside of you.  Wait in the quiet for the inner voice to direct you.

You may have lost your true reaction in the automatic response, which gives the illusion of decisiveness.  To stop killing your genuine impulses, catch yourself just before you pull the tigger.  Slow down.  Discover the power in the pause.  Feel urgency and compulsion slip away.  Feel the true self emerge and, with it, a flood of warmth and well-being.

By giving this time away, you'll receive time--not minutes of "saved" time each day, but your whole life, to live precisely as you please.

A lot to think about.

Done for the Week: Clearing Another Hurdle

Another difficult week.  But things are beginning to turn around.  I have now had two nights of reasonable sleep, after two weeks of insomnia resulting from the same medication adjustments that brought me a prolonged bout of über anxiety.  And trust me, everything looks better on sleep.  I surprised myself putting together this list of what got done last week, given where my head was at, and where it wasn't!

Done List--Week of Aug. 2-8

1. Finished Week 12 of revised 14-week Sprint Triathlon training plan--2 weeks to go!
2. Began Open Water Swim Clinic
3. Attended triathlon prep camp
4. Made final adjustments to gear, supplies
5. Finished Noah's Compass, by Anne Tyler
6. Struggled with intense anxiety due to medication change--prevailed, with my family's support
7. Saw my doctor about blood pressure
8. Continued significant support to transitioning nonprofit organization
9. Worked my two part-time jobs
10. Published 5 blog posts
11. Meditated 4 times
12. Wrote 3 Gratitude Journal entries
13. Wrote 1 Morning Page
14. Continued cleaning campaign
15. Continued mini yoga practice 
16. Attended 2 yoga classes
17. Got new screen door--with doggie door--installed
18. Continued reading Elizabeth George's In the Presence of the Enemy aloud with my husband
19. Got two decent nights of sleep, after battling insomnia for two weeks

In green above are accomplishments related to last week's focus goal and my current obsession, preparing for the triathlon in two weeks.  The race, sponsored by Danskin with proceeds going to the Breast Cancer Research Foundation, has this motto:  "The Woman who starts the Race is not the same Woman who finishes the Race." I want that transformation.  I am learning, though, that we meet our best and our worst selves on the journey there.  My most potent demons are fear and the self-limitation it "inspires," obsessive tendencies, being relaxation-challenged, and an unrealistic desire to excel.  My better, more functional qualities that are serving me well are determination, compassion for myself and all the other women who are scared to death but will show up anyway, and a growing courage to match the fear.  I am also pretty dogged and resourceful when it comes to problem-solving.  My focus goal for the next two weeks will remain the completion of this "Outward Bound"-type venture.  

In red, and related to tri preparation, as well as to sanity and survival, is my week's most important achievement--getting two decent nights of sleep.  About mid-week, this began to seem like the impossible dream, as each night saw me waking after a couple of hours of sleep to hours of struggle.  As I padded to the bathroom, to the kitchen, and back to my makeshift bed where I wouldn't disturb my husband and my dog with my night wars, I despaired of sleeping normally in time to recover for the race.  On Saturday morning, I "rose" at 5 a.m. (having been awake since midnight) and left for the prep camp, where I would bike for 12 mi., do an open water swim, and bike the 5K running course--all on 3 hours of sleep, on top of a major sleep deficit from nearly two weeks of killer insomnia.  The good news is, I slept 6 hours that night, after a 2 hour nap on returning from the camp.  And last night, I slept a much-needed 8 hours.  I'm hopeful that this is a corner turned.

As I begin another week of this quest, I want to acknowledge my family's patience and support, and thank my husband for the flowers and the meals, my grandson for the laughs and the hugs, my daughter for her triathlon example in the face of her own health challenges,  my dog for his unceasing affection (even if it is a little wet at times), my sons for the love and their distracting demands, my sister for her encouragement and her humor, my meditation "homies" for their steadiness, and my friends for their faith.  If this sounds like an Oscar acceptance speech, consider that I don't expect to stand on any podiums when all is said and done.  In fact, I learned a new term this week--DFL, which stands for "dead f...ing last," as in "Do you know what we call the person who finishes DFL? A triathlete."  So I am renewing my original goal of finishing the race--my race--in the time it takes me.  And being humble and proud enough to live with that.